The purpose of this blog is to share stories, find support, ask for advice. The reason why I started this blog is to share with everyone my story – my struggles with depression, anxiety, self-harm, suicidal thoughts and eating disorders. I’ve been through a great ordeal and I’m still struggling, but I want to share with you my story and all my struggles and everything I’ve been through to show you that even though today may seem crappy, tomorrow will be a brighter day. By sharing my story, I hope to help you through your struggles and inspire you to make a change. The battles are tough, I know, but we’re all fighting the battle, just different devils. We’re all thinking the same things, just to different extents. We’re all feeling the same things, just different intensities. We’re all in this together, even though you may not see it. I want to provide support for anyone struggling through anything going on in their life at the moment. I am making a stand because depression, anxiety, suicide, self-harm, eating disorders and what not are serious issues that need to be faced head on right now, not after someone has taken their life because they feel it’s the only way. I understand how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking. Opening up to strangers can help, even listening to someone else’s battle story can help; so with that said, as I share my story with you through this blog, I hope to help you in one way or another. I am also here to listen to your stories too, to help you, give advice and support, help you through an ordeal because in the end, we’re in this battle together and you’re not alone. It’s just a bad day, not a bad life and you can win against your devil that you’re constantly fighting, I stand here as an example of that and I want to help you achieve the same thing.
Do you have your safe place? Where you just feel like nothing can hurt you there? Whether it’s your room/ house, your boyfriends/ girlfriends house or even being with someone. Does someone make you safe?
Well my safe place is my room and my house. No one can hurt me or touch me. I don’t speak to anyone out of school except S and 2 other people other than that. No one else. I have been on school holidays for the past 2 weeks and it went away in a blink of an eye. It felt like heaven. I spoke to no one from school, slept in each morning, didn’t have to worry about another rumour or someone saying something to me, or me getting hurt. I was safe. I was usually in the arms of my boyfriend and spent most of my days with him except when he had to study for his last year of high school. Sometimes good things come to an end. Like yesterday was my 11 month with my boyfriend, I didn’t want to leave but I had too. School holidays. They always end and you always have to go back to hell. I start school on Monday and am scared and nervous as hell as too what could happen. Scared that things might happen again. I have 8 more weeks of hell then I’m done for 2 and a half months until next year one more whole year. Sometimes I think to myself… ” how am I going to survive this week? How am I going to survive exam week? How am I going to survive seeing the people I have been avoiding or haven’t spoken to or they have ignored me? How am I going to survive today?”
But I go through knowing I’ll get home and be happy again.
Do you have a safe place or someone you feel safe with?
About 2 weeks after we started going out we went to church again on a Friday and the person who was in charge of the youth and keeping us safe and have fun called me over to her and she asked if I was okay I said “umm yea why” she realised I lost weight. I never saw it I just saw fat. I said “no I haven’t I weighed myself yesterday and I’m still the same weight” after that people from church, my friends, my teachers, peers, my boyfriend had realised my face looked my slender and you could see my cheek bones more than you could before and my hip bones were showing threw my shirts I was wearing. All I saw a felt was fat. So I didn’t believe it. Since my boyfriend and I started going out I have tried to kill myself on more than one occasion and it was a about a week later when everyone started realising I was losing weight, I to be honest never saw it and still don’t. So the night I tried again I called my boyfriend and told him I love him and always will. That night he called my parents and told them my mental state when they came in my room I was already asleep. I found out straight away that he told them and at the time I hated him for it but now… All I see is that he was caring for his girlfriend. I was still not eating and if I was I would feel sick straight after but wouldn’t throw it up. I started to feel weaker and weaker each day. My boyfriend came over to my house and I told him everything. All he did for about an hour was tell me how beautiful I was and that’s all it took me to eat normally. Now all I want to eat is pizza and pasta but as well healthy too. For about 2 weeks every few days my boyfriend would write poems for me and they were beautiful. They made me smile and cry for joy. He is the reason I am here today and I thank him for that. This year I found my first true best friend. After all that she went through we came close as we felt like we connected and we just make each other laugh and always there for each other. We bonded when I found out what happened to her and she found out what happened to me. This is the other author S. This entire year has been filled with happy and amazing moments which over look the bad times. I do still feel down about my past but S and my boyfriend (lover boy) make me over look that and are the only ones that still want to be in my life after everything that has happened. They are all I need.
MY ADVICE: all you need is a best friend. Even if that’s a tub of ice cream and your favourite tv show that’s okay. I still do that sometimes and it feels great. If you focus on the positives you will see you have had some good in your life and will see what others may see or you may see the point in living. You are perfect you are worth the air you breathe. You are worth the food you get on your plate or the food you may eat out like McDonalds or for me pizza. You can focus on what you want in life. Do you want to get married to your current boyfriend? We’ll work towards that. You want a career in dance? Work towards that. You want to help others so they don’t feel like you felt in the past? Then do that. You just need to focus either on the positives in your life or the positives that you want in your life. And that’s what I’m doing. Just focus on the positives in life and you will be set. If you still need to talk to someone to get some help. Call a help line, a friend, family member, by sending us a comment on our posts anything so you get help just tell someone. You need some happiness in your life and you are worth it.
The whole weekend all I was doing was sleeping, I was exhausted, tired physically and mentally. I barely spoke to my family for weeks after this and they actually didn’t find out till recently when they over heard my conversation with S (the other author). After what happened I didn’t really care about my feelings and thought mine weren’t worth anything and everyone else’s was worth more. A friend of mine (not the greatest looking guy) started to like me. He asked me out and I said yes not caring. I liked him as a friend nothing else and I didn’t care about anything. The guy who tried twice heard about it and started making up rumours again saying all I’m here for is for sex and want to get payed for it, then started saying no point paying it’s free. I started going out with this guy I liked as a friend as he said no one will love me and made me feel bad so guilt tripped into saying yes into going out with him. We started going out middle of August last year (2013) but on the day of my birthday which is early August I fell in love with a guy I knew before(by face, didn’t know his name though) and finally the day came where someone introduced us to each other, he still remembers exactly what I was wearing and how my hair was tied back when we met. He is from church and was friends with the guy I was dating but kind of wasn’t for 2-3 months. During this relationship with my friend the guy I met on my birthday he and I were chatting and I realised that he was the one for me. He was the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I was totally infatuated with just the thought of him. No one from school knew him which was good. A week before the holidays I broke up with him and no one knew exactly why but they made that up themselves saying he wasn’t good at pleasuring me and just things like that. Just assuming shit when really it was cause the guy I met on my birthday started to make me be able to feel again, and I was able to experience true love. During the 2 week break the youth from church went on a camp. The guy that I fell in love with was there. It was 3 days and in our 3-4 hours of free time it was just him and I talking and laughing and just being ourselves. It was the first true happiness I felt. The first night on camp he asked me to be his girlfriend if I could go back in time I would change what I said as to this day he still tells me about it and we laugh. I said no. A second later he runs down the stairs and didn’t talk to me till morning. That morning the girl I was sharing a room with went to eat breakfast but I “wasn’t hungry” so I told her I’m still sleepy so want to sleep more. The guy who asked me out the night before (let’s call him lover boy) realised I wasn’t at breakfast and left breakfast early and came to my room he asked why I didn’t want to come and I explained to him I just felt bad about the night before but I wanted to get myself mentally and emotionally better and he said it was okay. The rest of the 2 days was a blast with him though the first guy that tried to take my virginity was there but lover boy made me not think about it. When we went back home lover boy and I saw each other at church on a Friday I still remember the date, 11th of October was our first kiss and to me it felt like nothing mattered except him and myself it felt like time stopped. All I had always wanted to do was was save my first kiss for the man I would spend the rest of my life with. Or that i truly loved he was my first really kiss since the others were forced and I was toto ally crushed about that. About 2 weeks later I had a fight with my parents and I told lover boy and he says met me at the shopping centre so I did. He got me some food and we saw not one but 2 movies. Around 9.30 pm when we were waiting to go home he asked me out and all I did was burst into tears. I felt so bad cause I was still having an eating disorder and I was still thinking about death and I never wanted to hurt him but my thoughts feelings, my past on my actions. He understood but was still annoyed but I understood why. That night when he dropped me home he said “when you feel it’s the right time for you, you have to ask me next time” so I thought about it and said okay. My parents knew there was a boy but didn’t know who. They thought I said yes on the camp which I didn’t. The next day another guy (let’s call him the player) asked me out and I didn’t care and said yes. But I said yes cause a few hours previous to this he told me no one will ever love him and he will always be lonely and never have anyone to love. It lasted less than a week. During this week each day I saw lover boy and the player didn’t catch on that we were going out until about a week after we started going out. I felt so bad but I wanted my happiness but he was lonely so I had. The player found out I was seeing lover boy whilst he and I were going out and I told him the situation and we didn’t talk for ages but now we are good friends. We laugh about it and he understands the pressure I felt and the way I felt. On the 4th of November (2013) I had the day of school and so did he do I went to his house. We were laughing and I was opening up to him about everything. I told him I love you more than anything. And about a second later he asked me out. I was gonna ask him out later on and I had it all planned but I was thankful I didn’t have to. And it was the best decision I have ever made. It’s his and my one year in about a month and a few days. And he makes me happy but in the mean time of going out he didn’t know that I wasn’t eating. I never told him about it until people started to realise. I never felt good about cheating I never did but all I was looking for happiness that’s okay right? No cheating is cheating and I felt terrible. I was only thinking about myself but at the same time not at all. I hate the person I was and became and I feel terrible about the guys I hurt so much even my boyfriend when he found out about it he hated it but he forgave me and realised I was trying to find happiness and see if it was really him. I was and am still sorry to this day for cheating. I learnt from my mistake.
MY ADVICE: when you are in a bad state all you think about is the bad things never good all you see at the end of the tunnel is a light and it’s the lights of a train. That’s how I felt. But sometimes maybe you are just seeing what you want when really everyone has the sun at the end of the tunnel and it’s beautiful and you feel happy like you are in a never ending meadow of beautiful flowers and butterflies. We all feel this happiness in our lives. Some longer than others. Sometimes it’s worth going through all that pain for the happiness you have waited for. It’s worth it. For me it was with it. And it will be worth it for you too you just have to breathe and focus on the light and you will see it’s the other side of the tunnel. Just believe in yourself and you will see it.
~ K xx
I hadn’t spoke to my “boyfriend” in now over a week, and I was preoccupying myself with other guys. People had said to me that my entire attitude towards everything had changed. Not only did I not listen to anyone, I kept changing without even knowing. People weren’t able to recognize me. My best friend at the time had as I said, liked me for about four years and had asked to hang out, I said yea sure why not. People would tell me he was weird, he was a trouble maker and not to trust him. Though, still I didn’t listen to them because he was my best friend. After school we took the same bus I take to go home but got off at an earlier stop. He directed me to a bunch of trees and bushes near a lake. It was a very closed area and no one could see us or even hear me. So we were talking and laughing and just being silly and mucking around… Next thing you know he tells me my button had come undone and I buttoned it up again but he reaches over to my chest and unbuttons it himself and every other button on my dress. He saw my boobs and pushed me forward and reached under my dress and undid my bra. At this point I was shocked, my best friend is now trying to either hurt me sexually and mentally or take my virginity. Well he did one of them. I was scared for my life that someone that I trusted with my life is trying to hurt me. He was squeezing my boobs so hard it hurt for hours after, he had now not even pulled my under wear down but somehow pinned me to the ground and had fingered me so hard it was my first freaking time doing anything like that and it hurt he just kept going so hard and fast and it hurt like crazy all I did was scream “STOP” but next thing he did was cover my mouth with his hand, after a minute he removed his hand and he started forcefully kissing me. He started to tell me to stop being so “friget” and just let it happen. His mum then called him and he reached for his phone to turn it off, whilst he was doing this I grabbed my stuff and tried to get away but he grabbed my foot I kicked him off and ran home as fast as I could. Whilst I was running I saw him run after me so I took a short cut home and I lost him. When I got home no one was there and all I did was jump into the shower and cry. In the process I was so emotional I grabbed a shaver and cut myself deep into my leg and I bleed out heaps. I started to feel really week and I had blacked out in the shower. About 15-25 minutes later I woke up and turned the water off and dried off and checked my phone. He had texted me 12 times maybe even more saying he was sorry and wants to redo today. I texted him back and said okay next week. Worst mistake of my life. During this week I had slowly started to not eat anything slowly by slowly I lost my appetite. My favorite foods became the things I started to hate, soft drinks I hated and would make me throw up. No one noticed how my behaviour towards food had changed and or decreased. The week after the previous event I met up with the same guy… at the same place. I was stupid enough to fall into his trap again. He apologized, said he “didn’t know what came over him” that I just “tease him” and it’s about time he and I “did something” because he has waited for so long.I started to feel like something was up but ignored my heart and head. And it happened all again like ‘Déjà vu’ but more rough this time and he involved his dick. He tried to hold me down and force his dick down my throat and in my vagina. He didn’t succeed at both, but he fingered me again but with more fingers and harder than before. He ripped my clothes off and my phone and earphones out from my pocket and threw it about a metre from us. I reached and grabbed my phone to call my “boyfriend” but this guy had put it in his pocket, and again forced his tongue down my throat. Thank god his grandma called concerning where he was and I reached for my phone earphones, bag, my clothes and put it on whilst i was running from him. He screamed to me to come back so I walked back and he grabbed my arse and lifted my up so he could kiss me I pushed him away and I fell to the ground. I ran this time and didn’t stop. He shouted at me saying ” come back or you’ll regret it”… I didn’t go back though. I kept sprinting home till I got to the shower and again I had cut myself. Higher on my thigh and I passed out again but for about 10 minutes. I got changed and opened Facebook and already I was planning my death in more detail this time. He told all his mates and some of mine that I had sent him nudes and it spread like wild fire. Everyone believed him, and he was so low he found a picture cut out the head and showed all his mates and everyone believed him. Next thing a close friend of his got the same photo edited it to make it look like it was on a different day and said he got sent nudes too from me. I faked being sick for 2 weeks,I had not eaten anything or drunk anything except water. I called my ”boyfriend” to tell him what was happening and he said it serves me right for not giving into him, that it’s all “my fault” I believed him and but told him he was useless and I hate him… that’s how we broke up. That night I grabbed my mums pain killers/ sleeping pills and took a handful of them. I fell asleep straight away but woke up the next day around 8 in the evening, but was still tired so I went back to sleep.
MY ADVICE: If multiple people are telling you something about someone and you have noticed a change in him or her re-evaluate the situation and the person. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is cheating on you don’t do it back to try and “get back at them” all you will be doing is hurting yourself. You aren’t worth the pain and agony that you or others go through. I regret cheating on my ex even though he did the same thing. If you want to kill yourself, imagine what you might miss out on in the world, who will miss you, your parents, friends, relatives, pets, family, boyfriend/girlfriend. If you feel the need to throw your food up, cut yourself, or not eat at all get some help as you are slowly killing yourself and you shouldn’t be trying to hurt your beautiful self.
At the start of year 10(2013) everything started to fade away.. the rumours, the backstabbing, the lying everything bad started to slip away and good things started to come my way. I started to have crushes again gained friends everything was fine until about early May last year I started to like a guy he was 19 at the time and he liked me back. He and I started dating and it was fine for a few weeks but one day we had a massive fight and we didn’t talk for two days. On the third day we had to go to church, and he asked me to meet him at the back of a hall next to the church, so I left my friends my family to meet him. It was a dark, cold gloomy night and it was about to rain. All of a sudden I’m walking towards the hall and I hear someone calling my name it was him. Now I thought he was calling me to apologise to me and to talk out… But I was wrong. He instead had the idea of taking my virginity as his apology to make everything better, but I didn’t want it. I struggled and cried and screamed…but no one could hear me. He had taken my jumper off, thrown it to the ground, he had taken my bra off, was forcing me to give him a blowjob and I was on the verge of throwing up. He was pushing me against the wall with all force and now he put me to my feet feet and had unbuttoned and unzipped my jeans had pulled them down and then, he took his shirt had put his pants down and taken them off, The only thing that was on the on both our bodies together was my underwear. He realised I still had them on, and taken them off me. I was still screaming but he was covering my mouth, he had nearly inserted his part until I punched him in the stomach, I was so scared I got ready in less than a minute. As soon as I had everything on I ran back to the church hearing him calling out my name in the back saying he was sorry that he didn’t mean it. After that night, we didn’t break up for at least two months. In that entire time, he spoke about his ex, he was talking about all the other girls he was seeing, the girls he was having sex with… but not one once did we ever break the relationship. After two months one of my guy friends had liked me for at least four years and he asked to hang out one day after school. So I agreed. And it was one of the worst decisions I had ever made.
MY ADVICE: if you are getting sexually harassed, or you have gone through the same thing I have stop what should I doing tell a leader, tell a teacher, it may be hard to tell a parent but tell a parent, tell a friend tell anyone that can help you get through it or that you trust to keep it a secret or to help you tell them you won’t regret it. Just remember you aren’t worth the suffering, the pain and agony of keeping it in, off it eating you alive. Just tell someone and it will make your life whole lot easier
~ K xx
So start of Year 7 and already I had people talking about me, how my boyfriend deserves someone better and I hadn’t even been at school a whole day yet and half the whole class new who I was. I walked in late to assembly and was getting shown which home room I was going into and already I had started to hate school as the girl who made up most of the issues or made me feel like crap was the only girl in my house color and year level in my home room. After everyone got sorted into home rooms it was time to spend and hour with my home room peers. By the end of first break I was already crying. Around the end of April I was planning on dumping my boyfriend… reasons why? Well he was verbally abusing me and physically, lying behind my back, was pretty much stalking me, and liking other girls at the same time… on a dark rainy day my friend was there and helped me get through dumping him, after I dumped him he ran of crying. Now by standing in the rain I fell sick the next day but went to school for half day. During the break I saw my friends and my now ex’s friends running after him cause of what he was saying which involved me. It was exactly all what I said; using me, liking other girls but this hurt the most.. he never actually liked me and he said I would never feel love or know what it feels like to feel loved but you know what? he was right for a couple of years. The same year in September the girl in my home room was really annoyed one day and decided to let it out on me. All I did was sit down and she already told me to “fuck off” “no-one likes you Kim” and to “DIE”. Now the whole day I was stuck with this crap from her,at our lunch time break she snapped and slapped me pulled my hair kicked me and slapping me non-stop. So then I just cracked it and punched her in the face. That day when I went home my whole face was swollen and I was balling my eyes out to my parents. Next thing you know the gitl comes to school the next day with bruises everywhere as her father beat her up the night before and I got a weeks suspension and rumors flying around the school each year level and she got 2 days suspension and everyone loved her. After that week I had to start fresh again with no friends, everyone hating me for stupid rumors and it all kept going and getting worse till start of year 10.
READ: Everyone makes it through the bad times, like look at you now! You are still here and have overcome what has crossed your path. You are doing great 🙂 If someone is hurting you physically in a fight, one of your friends or a boy/girl friend tell them to stop, call a help line, try and find a way out. If you don’t stand up for yourself you will just keep felling down about yourself, stand up and use the voice you were given to stand up against anyone and be brave 🙂
~ K xx
I don’t know about you, but for me school holidays have just started. Taking a break away from an unfriendly environment and people, such as school and fellow students, it can really help you take the well needed break you deserve! Having this quality time to yourself can help you find what really makes you happy which can kickstart your journey onto a positive route. Getting away from all of that negative energy can instantly start making you feel better and more positive about yourself and your life. It is a tough battle and I can’t stress that enough! I understand that you may not see what I’m getting at, or it may seem way too hard to handle or that if you think I’m just another person saying that this is what you need to do as if it’s just that easy; I feel a fraction of your pain and suffering as I’ve been through similar things, I understand how difficult it is for you and I want you all to feel safe here.
PLEASE READ: even though you may not see it, the first step into getting better and becoming happier could be as simple as removing yourself from negative energy – yes it will be hard, just because it sounds simple doesn’t mean that it’s easy. Find something that has a positive influence you on and stick with it. It may seem extremely hard and don’t get me wrong, it will be hard, but not as hard as you think. It will be a struggle but does that mean it’s worth giving up everything? I sure as hell think it’s not and I hope that there’s still a fight left in you to think the same. You are beautiful. You are important. You are wanted. You deserve better. You deserve to be happy.