After being able to get into a new school on such short notice, my life began to turn around for the better. I made new friends, had good grades although my ability to become friends with guys was shattered. Growing up, I had always been one of those girls that was friends with guys, sure I always had a close girl friend or two, but guys just seemed to be better friends at certain times. My first few months at my new school my mind was constantly getting confused about guys – sounds as though I’m talking about dating-wise but no, I was confused about guys because I didn’t know who to trust, how to trust, how to tell the good guys from the bad guys. I ended up getting into two relationships since I started at the new school. The first boyfriend – he was kind, a Christian, sweet, compassionate, I thought there was nothing wrong until I realised that my ex was also kind, sweet, compassionate and also a Christian. I was terrified of this new guy and didn’t want to be assaulted again, so I broke things off, we’re still friends to this day but it is awkward because my initial first feeling towards him of being scared still lingers. Months went by and I started to drink; it started as my best friend and I going to a party and doing shots. That night I was tipsy and because it was the first time I had ever had alcohol in my system I wasn’t used to the effects it causes to the human body. When I got home to my friend’s house, I ended up splitting my head open on his bedside table and having my best friend clean the blood up with one of those make-up removal wipes – I didn’t need stitches, thank God, but I still have a slightly noticeable dent in my head. One week later after that party, I got into the second relationship – this guy sensitive, compassionate, loving, caring, supportive. Yes, I was scared that he was going to turn out like my first, but I thought I owed myself to try and get over this “fear” of guys and give the new guy a shot. We were happy together for a couple of months but it started going downhill. It all started when he told my best friend that he wasn’t going to talk to me for one week every month – care to take a guess why? Periods. How insensitive is that? From that point on, I started to feel insecure and scared of him. A week later we went to a mate’s 19th, we were both drinking. I had about three “cruiser-like” drinks and him… well he ended up passing out in the toilet and not once did he talk to me that night, he completely ignored me the entire night. My best friend was also there but she had sectioned herself off to spend some “alone time” with her boyfriend. When I heard that people were going to bring drugs to the party, I high-tailed it out of there! I was uncomfortable and scared so I rang my best guy friend. He and two of his friends came and picked me up and took me to his to stay the night. I got along great with his two friends and was even really flirty with one of them. At this point I felt nothing to my boyfriend at that time that for one night I completely forgot that I was even dating him. That night was the night that I lost my virginity to one of my best guy friend’s mates. I felt horrible, I left my friend’s house at 3am and walked the streets until my mum picked me up at 8 o’clock. I didn’t see my boyfriend until three days later and I came clean immediately. At first, I wasn’t going to tell him and I was just going to end things with him because I had done something horrible, but a guy I know told me that he deserves to know the truth, so I told my boyfriend what happened and broke things off. He promised not to tell anyone because I didn’t want it to get out – I’m not a cheater, I don’t use guys. I made a mistake and I take full responsibility for it! Yes, I had been drinking, yes my relationship was going downhill, and yes my mind was completely fucked up due to the on-going trauma caused by my first relationship, even though all those things play a part in my decision, it was still my decision to cheat. I regret hurting my boyfriend but in all honesty, I don’t regret losing my virginity; I mean, yes I regret cheating, but I don’t regret having sex for the first time. It opened up my eyes and made me grow up, I feel more mature after that night and I think that’s really helped me out.
PLEASE READ: drinking alcohol and doing drugs can harm your body! It is your choice, but please think about the consequences! When drinking and/or doing drugs, take extra time to think things through when it comes to making big decisions like losing your virginity – you don’t want to wake up the next morning and regret it! Cheating is wrong but we all make mistakes! I believe that if you come clean about it as soon as possible, you will feel better and not guilty anymore. You may find that cheating was the best thing you could have done for yourself, but your partner deserves to know! Do not let a mistake like cheating affect who you are or your reputation. Cheating is merely an act, not a definition of who you are! I do not approve of cheating but I do understand that sometimes we make mistakes, sometimes our minds are not in the right place and shit happens, but if you deal with it maturely and take responsibility for your mistake/s, in the end you’ll feel better. Everyone makes mistakes and their mistakes do not define who they are so do not judge them based solely on the mistakes they’ve made – learn to focus not only on the bad, but also on the good!
-S x
Self-Harm Warriors 