Chapter Five: Not Once But Twice

I hadn’t spoke to my “boyfriend” in now over a week, and I was preoccupying myself with other guys. People had said to me that my entire attitude towards everything had changed. Not only did I not listen to anyone, I kept changing without even knowing. People weren’t able to recognize me. My best friend at the time had as I said, liked me for about four years and had asked to hang out, I said yea sure why not. People would tell me he was weird, he was a trouble maker and not to trust him. Though, still I didn’t listen to them because he was my best friend. After school we took the same bus I take to go home but got off at an earlier stop. He directed me to a bunch of trees and bushes near a lake. It was a very closed area and no one could see us or even hear me. So we were talking and laughing and just being silly and mucking around… Next thing you know he tells me my button had come undone and I buttoned it up again but he reaches over to my chest and unbuttons it himself and every other button on my dress. He saw my boobs and pushed me forward and reached under my dress and undid my bra. At this point I was shocked, my best friend is now trying to either hurt me sexually and mentally or take my virginity. Well he did one of them. I was scared for my life that someone that I trusted with my life is trying to hurt me. He was squeezing my boobs so hard it hurt for hours after, he had now not even pulled my under wear down but somehow pinned me to the ground and had fingered me so hard it was my first freaking time doing anything like that and it hurt he just kept going so hard and fast and it hurt like crazy all I did was scream “STOP” but next thing he did was cover my mouth with his hand, after a minute he removed his hand and he started forcefully kissing me. He started to tell me to stop being so “friget” and just let it happen. His mum then called him and he reached for his phone to turn it off, whilst he was doing this I grabbed my stuff and tried to get away but he grabbed my foot I kicked him off and ran home as fast as I could. Whilst I was running I saw him run after me so I took a short cut home and I lost him. When I got home no one was there and all I did was jump into the shower and cry. In the process I was so emotional I grabbed a shaver and cut myself deep into my leg and I bleed out heaps. I started to feel really week and I had blacked out in the shower. About 15-25 minutes later I woke up and turned the water off and dried off and checked my phone. He had texted me 12 times maybe even more saying he was sorry and wants to redo today. I texted him back and said okay next week. Worst mistake of my life. During this week I had slowly started to not eat anything slowly by slowly I lost my appetite. My favorite foods became the things I started to hate, soft drinks I hated and would make me throw up. No one noticed how my behaviour towards food had changed and or decreased. The week after the previous event I met up with the same guy… at the same place. I was stupid enough to fall into his trap again. He apologized, said he “didn’t know what came over him” that I just “tease him” and it’s about time he and I “did something” because he has waited for so long.I started to feel like something was up but ignored my heart and head. And it happened all again like ‘Déjà vu’  but more rough this time and he involved his dick. He tried to hold me down and force his dick down my throat and in my vagina. He didn’t succeed at both, but he fingered me again but with more fingers and harder than before. He ripped my clothes off and my phone and earphones out from my pocket and threw it about a metre from us. I reached and grabbed my phone to call my “boyfriend” but this guy had put it in his pocket, and again forced his tongue down my throat. Thank god his grandma called concerning where he was and I reached for my phone earphones, bag, my clothes and put it on whilst i was running from him. He screamed to me to come back so I walked back and he grabbed my arse and lifted my up so he could kiss me I pushed him away and I fell to the ground. I ran this time and didn’t stop. He shouted at me saying ” come back or you’ll regret it”… I didn’t go back though. I kept sprinting home till I got to the shower and again I had cut myself. Higher on my thigh and I passed out again but for about 10 minutes. I got changed and opened Facebook and already I was planning my death in more detail this time. He told all his mates and some of mine that I had sent him nudes and it spread like wild fire. Everyone believed him, and he was so low he found a picture cut out the head and showed all his mates and everyone believed him. Next thing a close friend of his got the same photo edited it to make it look like it was on a different day and said he got sent nudes too from me. I faked being sick for 2 weeks,I had not eaten anything or drunk anything except water. I called my ”boyfriend” to tell him what was happening and he said it serves me right for not giving into him, that it’s all “my fault” I believed him and but told him he was useless and I hate him… that’s how we broke up. That night I grabbed my mums pain killers/ sleeping pills and took a handful of them. I fell asleep straight away but woke up the next day around 8 in the evening, but was still tired so I went back to sleep.

MY ADVICE: If multiple people are telling you something about someone and you have noticed a change in him or her re-evaluate the situation and the person. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is cheating on you don’t do it back to try and “get back at them” all you will be doing is hurting yourself. You aren’t worth the pain and agony that you or others go through. I regret cheating on my ex even though he did the same thing. If you want to kill yourself, imagine what you might miss out on in the world, who will miss you, your parents, friends, relatives, pets, family, boyfriend/girlfriend. If you feel the need to throw your food up, cut yourself, or not eat at all get some help as you are slowly killing yourself and you shouldn’t be trying to hurt your beautiful self.

~K xx

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