Chapter two: You Hope It Would All Change

Everyone needs a fresh start. New school, new clothes, new hair cut, just a fresh new start.. I needed that desperately. Thinking the next school would hold great happy memories that would last forever, instead bad memories that would last forever and have pulled me down to this day.
It was the start of the school year, a new school everything. I was in grade 4, I walked in late to class and everyone was already staring at me. My dad left cause he had to go to work so I was left by myself.. Already it started with ” she’s ugly” “ew” ” look at her hands they look funny” now my knuckles have been pushed back down my hand since birth. The cartilage in my ring fingers are shorter than usually causing that part of my hand to look funny. After that went around the first day already people said they would catch the same “sickness” as me and they would end up like me, already I was at the back of the school during break on the oval watching the trains go past and imagining what it would be like to die and who would actually care if I died. I went from friend group to friend group but not one group or set of people actually liked me they would laugh at me make jokes about me and tell me they didn’t like me to my face.
In year 6 I was the house captain of one of the schools houses I got told by the other house captains I shouldn’t be one or I wasn’t ‘good enough’ for it. But I had to keep doing it for the whole year.
I got my first boyfriend at the end of year 6, we were friends before we went out. Next thing the day after he asked me out he thought he asked out another girl, but we still went out anyway… Eventually throughout the relationship obviously you would open up to the other person you like, next thing I realised he would tell all his other mates what I told him then they would make fun of everything even if it wasn’t anything funny they would still find joy in bringing me down.
When year 6 finished I thought again a new start and my boyfriend would actually grow up a little but no he didn’t.
MY ADVICE: don’t let anyone make you full lower than them, they want to feel superior. For some people a change could be a good thing, others maybe not. But make the best out of every change you make, if someone brings you down know it’s not true that they just want to feel better about themselves. Thinking about suicide at a young age may not be a good thing, for a child it may seem like a normal thing… But it isn’t. If you ever feel like this just think about the positive or call a help line or call someone who you think could help you. No one deserves to go through so much emotional pain. Everyone is beautiful.
~K xx

Chapter One: Some Things Affect Us At Young Ages

As soon as I started meeting new people it all started for me.. That’s right when I was 3 1/2 years old, the bullying, name calling, pushing, kicking everything.
I had only just started walking at the age of 3 and had already started to go to pre-school. I got bullied for the way my hair looked (I had a bob cut), got bullied cause I was still unstable on my feet and just everything in general. I became so lonely that I made friends with a girl who couldn’t even speak fluent English and her first language was Russian, about a few months into the relationship she moved back to Russia.
At the pre-school we had end of year little plays, we did Christmas, so what it was all about and I was to play mother Mary. I got hurt so much that day I was crying during the performance, the parents of the kids were talking about me saying “she only got the part cause her grandma is the teacher”… “She’s not even good looking and one of the ugliest children here” next thing you know I had to do another year of pre-school cause I couldn’t read properly… Got teased about that too.
The next year was pretty much the same thing every day. I would pretty much hug my mum’s leg every day crying to her saying “I don’t want to go, please”… but no I went. When it was over I was happy and thought it would all stop… little did I know it would haunt me.
I started my first year of school and first day had just started and I was already crying. I was getting bullied about the same things all over again except it was big kids calling me names and making me feel worse about myself making all the kids in my year hate me. Things like “you don’t belong here”… ” get of the playground.. No one wants you here” “you are a loser”. I hated it. At the age of 6 and I had already had more bad days than good days. Most of them. I remember I was in the sandpit and got told to get out cause I’m a waste of space and I ran out and around the sandpit was massive rocks and I ran got pushed and hit my top of my thigh really hard on the rock. I started bleeding heaps from my leg and other parts I was crying. I already wanted to die and I was only 6. I told people, I told the teachers but all they did was call up my parents and tell them or ask them “something’s wrong with her” “what’s wrong with her”. I cried after that too. But nothing was wrong with me. I was being bullied and they didn’t see it. I told my parents they were understanding of it but then my sister was born and everything changed. I was pushed to the side to never again speak of it to my parents and act like the strong healthiest person in the family. That’s what I have been doing.
3 years went by and still each day I got hurt and no friends the same things each day. Eventually I moved schools. On the last day I found out and I was so happy being a child thinking it would all go away again I thought that. I couldn’t wait till summer holidays finished to start at a new school and actually belong somewhere. But I didn’t.

MY ADVICE: No one should be able to make you feel like you were a mistake or you are worthless. You are here for a reason and all those people who are hurting you will all one day realise what they did and may even be jealous and want to apologise to you. But you will be so much better with out them. If someone is telling you that you don’t belong here or calling you names go tell someone that could actually do something, tell a parent, or a teacher that you trust or will understand you. If you have a friend tell your friend, a girl/boyfriend someone that can help you. Just know you aren’t what those people are telling you. You are more than that and they just want people to think less of themselves so they feel superior. You are so much better than them just know that.
~ K xx

Sadly, Everyone Struggles

In the hopes of reaching out to people and sharing our stories to try and give you advice and/or guidance, we’re going to stat sharing more true, personal stories about personal adventures and struggles that people we know have been through. Each of these people are writing their own stories and are giving us permission to post them here – they understand what it’s like to struggle with anxiety, depression, eating disorders, family issues, suicide, etc. and just like me, they want to reach out and help anyone going through the same or similar ordeals. Tomorrow we are introducing K’s ongoing adventure through life. No matter how big or how small your struggles are, they tear you down and affect you and we want to stop that. You’re smart, beautiful people that deserve the best! You’re strong warriors and it’s time for your battle to end – it’s time to take baby steps and put down the razor. It’s time to rip that suicide letter up and burn it. It’s time to create your own happiness and live your life in complete happiness and peace because you deserve it.
Stay strong warriors!
-S x

Chapter Six: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think!

Everything has been going good for me lately. I’m dropping out of school, starting an online course in photography for the rest of the year, I have a job, I have a boyfriend and friends who are genuine and are always there to support me… I thought nothing would go wrong but you see, life has this thing it likes to do – it likes to fuck shit up whenever you’re happy. In the last three days I have received over 20 prank calls from a number of different people, I have been asked several times to explain false rumours going around about me which just make me feel like shit whenever I hear the things that people are making up. I get thrown back to square one and have to start my baby steps all over again. This time I feel that I need to feel good about myself. I need to change my image like get a new haircut, dress differently, wear my make-up differently – you know, small things that I love about myself and hopefully it should make me feel good about myself. How I see it, if I change something about myself now that is in one way or another related to what is making me feel shitty, then I should feel empowered, strong, brave, courageous and happier! Usually changing my haircut or dressing differently fills me with a new outlook and that’s what I need. A new outlook on life. I am turning over a new leaf and making a complete change with my life. That is… until the next small hiccup comes my way, but there are always ways of dealing with hiccups. Drink lots of water, get someone to scare you or any other method. Life constantly throws hiccups at you because you are strong enough to withstand them. The way I see it is that each and every one of you has been put here for a reason and you are put through certain “adventures” or “journeys” for a reason – you would not be put through something that you cannot handle! Think about it, those girls and/or guys you see who have rich parents and are spoilt rotten and get everything and anything they want, they would never be able to to handle the things you’re going through because in all reality your struggles make you stronger even though it seems like all it’s doing is tearing you down. Find the strength to speak up and make a stand in your life – even though you’re strong enough to go through the hell life throws at you, doesn’t mean that you deserve it. Every second you improve and get better, life will be judging the best time to throw hiccups in your track, that’s just how it works,, but don’t let that get you down! As good ol’ Christopher Robin says to Pooh Bear: “Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” (written by A. A. Milne).

PLEASE READ: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. Stay strong! You are a warrior and you deserve happiness. Don’t take shit from anyone and do what makes you happy. Do whatever you need to do to create your own happiness!
-S x

Chapter Five: Ditch the Heartache and Create Your Own Happiness

I haven’t been at school for the past four or five weeks; I no longer feel safe and no longer see the point in completing VCE at all. I am fed up with the petty bullshit drama that revolves around school and I want out… so I ditched the heartache. I am in the process of leaving school for good, but I am not quitting my education completely. I’m enrolling in an online course that will take up the remainder of the year and then next year I’m straight into tafe doing something that I love and being somewhere where I am genuinely happy and feel safe. Not being at school has really given me some time to myself to really think about what was making me so depressed and pushing me to the point where I was literally thinking about ending it all. I kept myself locked away in my room and only ever left the house if I was on my own, and when I did leave the house, it was always to run away to my best guy friend’s house to escape the tragedy that had essentially become my life. I would always fake a smile around friends and after leaving school I slowly began to feel that fake smile becoming real. I was away from what was making me depressed and scared, and although I’m not completely better at the moment, I am on the fast track to recovery because I had the support of my two best friends by at all times. It was extremely hard for me to let them in and know even a small portion of what was going on inside my head, but opening up to them really helped. It took time, but it worked for me. I found myself leaving the house more often to go and see my best guy friend, he is really supportive and understands that sometimes I just need to get away from my life and just sleep or hang out at a place where I feel safe; with all the time we were spending together and the many years of our friendship and being close all the time and sharing practically everything together and his family being completely understanding with me being over there all the time… we started dating. It has been one rocky road for me especially regarding the whole “relationship” part of life and to others and even you, it may sound like that I’m just asking for more trouble in my life. Because of him my life has made a dramatic turn and spending time with him genuinely makes me happy and makes me feel safe. I guess life has a very, very weird and fucked up way of working.

PLEASE READ: for me, in order to get on track and get my life in order and start getting better, I had to eliminate what was making things so shitty for me. If you find yourself being genuinely unhappy, felling unsafe and/or feeling like you need to harm yourself in order to escape the pain, I just ask you to look around yourself and find what triggers you to feel like that. It’s all about taking baby steps and doing what you are comfortable with. Once you and key point what is making you feel like absolute shit and that you need to end it all, GET RID OF IT! Move schools, make better friends, change subjects, go to tafe, quit your job! Anything that is holding you down and suffocating you needs to go. It’s hard, I know, and it’s even harder if you’ve been through more shit than me or been dealing with shit longer than me or are even just really affected by it all, it’s hard and I know that, and I know it might not be as easy for you to create your own happiness as it was for me and I applaud you for hanging in there, being strong and being a warrior! You’re strong, brave and you’re here for a reason – don’t give up yet! I want you here.
-S x

Chapter Four: You is Kind. You is Smart. You is Important.

The school holidays came around and I thought that by the time school started again everything would be fine, everyone would have forgotten about my mistake and just drop it, but sadly that wasn’t exactly the case. The drama that followed was just too much for me and that’s the point where I lost it, that was the point where I just crumbled and broke and lost myself. I didn’t know what to think, what to do, I didn’t even really have a clue who I was anymore. Cheating isn’t something I would ever do! I’ve been cheated on before and I know what it feels like and I would never ever want to put someone through that… but I did and I am forever apologetic for doing that to my ex because he didn’t deserve it. I was so hurt and disappointed in myself that I started to take my anger out on myself. I was so good at hiding my emotions and my actions that not even my best friend knows what I really went through. I started to cut again and I just completely lost myself that I even started of thinking of ways to kill myself. I blamed myself for being sexually assaulted. I blamed myself for cheating. I blamed myself for every single thing that went remotely wrong in my life. I kept myself busy and redirected my negative energy about my life onto my media assignment which is how I came up with the idea to create a short film about a young girl battling with suicide, that is one thing that really helped me get past my “suicidal stage” but it didn’t help me get past all the shit going on at school. My ex’s friend was continually saying shit about me which then lead to other people creating their own rumours about me; I was so sick of it and felt so unsafe going to school every day. What really pushed me over the edge was my ex’s friend saying that he was going to make my life hell until I left the school. I felt like I couldn’t go out because no matter what I did it would somehow be fuel to the fire. I couldn’t go out with friends without rumours going around saying that I was a lesbian and God knows what else they were saying. People were continuously telling me that I was “fake” and “untrustworthy” and other nonsense like that and I can understand how they were coming from because of ONE mistake that I made COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER but they didn’t know the FULL, TRUE STORY! No one bothered to come and ask me what actually happened, instead they just thought what they wanted to and listened to all the bullshit rumours going around about me. I was really hurt because people that I thought I could call friends were not only believing the rumours going around about me, but were also adding their 2 cents to the rumours which just made things worse. I would leave school early and sometimes I wouldn’t even show up to school for days; I just felt so unsafe and attacked. School was always a place that I loved going to, I always felt safe and I honestly really enjoyed doing all the schoolwork, but I was no longer enjoying myself and no longer felt like school was a happy and safe place for me to be anymore, the rumours that were going around literally destroyed me and who I was. I am no longer who I am and that’s what really destroys me every day and night, the fact that someone had the power to destroy my entire being is what eats me up inside whenever I am alone with my thoughts.

PLEASE READ: no one should ever have the power to destroy your entire being or even a small fraction of who you are, you and only you have the ability to define who you are! I am still building myself back up and trying to rediscover who I am. Don’t let anyone make you feel so unsafe and scared that you can no longer go to school or to work or do something that you love. Speak up because no matter if you’re 12 years old or 32, no one has the right to bully you or destroy who you are. You do not have to put up with anyone who makes you unsafe, uncomfortable or uneasy about yourself or where you are. If you’re thinking about suicide and/or harming yourself, I ask that you look deep inside yourself and think of what truly makes you happy – doesn’t matter what it is! When you find what truly makes you happy then start doing it. Redirect that negative energy and turn it into something positive. By directing my negative energy into the short film about suicide, I started getting really busy and focused on creating something, I’ve always been happy mucking around with technology and creating things and it really helped me out. You is kind. You is smart. You is important. (The Help).
-S x

Chapter Three: Every Choice Comes with Consequences

So after I cam clean about my mistake, I decided not to tell anyone the reason why I broke things off and I thought that my now ex-boyfriend would do the same, not for but for himself; sadly, that wasn’t case. I understand why he felt the need to tell his dad, his best friend and his closest mate, he needed to vent to someone and get advice from friends and all that, and I completely understand that and I was glad that he did so he didn’t keep it all bottled up inside; but it was his closest friend that decided to take things into his own hands and let the cat out of the bag. I was never angry at any of them, only disappointed. They all knew what had happened to me in the past and I would have at least thought that they would be considerate and not spread it around the school; I knew they were going to talk about it, I just never knew that they would create what became my life in hell. I started getting threatening messages from the closest mate, he was saying awful things about me that weren’t true. He knew damn well what actually happened at my old school yet he was the one that went around my new school saying that I actually consented to having sex with the guy on school property. He is also the one who started the rumour that I was selling myself as a prostitute and that I had slept with half the guys at school; when this rumour spread I started getting phone calls at 3 o’clock in the morning, can you guess who was calling me? That’s right, my ex-boyfriend’s closest mate! At this point in time, my parents were going through a very sticky situation. My dad had been kicked out of the house and my mum threatening to divorce him. This didn’t exactly affect too badly because, and I know this sounds bad, I don’t actually like my dad that much – he’s controlling, picks on my every flaw, says I’m lazy and no good when all I do everyday is homework, work and clean up around the house, he always finds something to criticise about me and it just made me dislike him… a lot. Anyway, I was feeling overly stressed because my mum and sister’s were taking this messy situation between my parents pretty hard, but when I started receiving phone calls at 3am asking why I cheated on my ex, if I’m straight or lesbian, if I charge money for sex and if so, how much, when I was available next to go and sell my body to a guy – meaning to have sex in exchange for money – and I knew damn well who it was. This went on for about a week. I started to develop an eating disorder because of stress. My stress levels were too high which then made it extremely difficult for me to swallow food and when I did manage to swallow something, it was the most painful thing in the world and I just wanted to throw up because it was that painful; and I did a couple of times. I eventually got medication and that helped a lot! When I could eat again, I just ate all the pizza I could and ended up gaining weight – which for me wasn’t an issue because I’ve always been quite thin naturally, so thin that people thought I was anorexic which is untrue because if you actually know me, I eat so much and usually leave people wondering how I’m so skinny when I don’t exercise at all. But people noticed my weight gain and one of those people were my ex’s closest mate. I ran out of my medication and my stress/eating disorder should have been fixed, but it wasn’t. My parents took me to hospital to find out with there was a serious underlying condition that our general doctor missed and I had to stay overnight. Later that night I received yet another phone call at 3am and this time it was somewhat different. I could easily tell it was my ex’s closest mate, he’s part British and he isn’t very good at hiding his accent. He started to ask me the usual questions, how much do you charge for sex? I’m looking for a fun time. I hear you fuck guys wherever they want like on pool tables, the kitchen bench, in cars. I told him to knock it off because I wasn’t in the mood and that I was tired and so sick that I was in hospital, that could have been the worst thing I could have said. I thought that by telling him that I was in hospital would make him realise that he needs to stop, he and I were good friends and I thought that he would apologise and hang up, or at least just hang up and leave me alone, but nope, I had unknowingly given him another outlet to start rumours. His response to me telling him I was in hospital was, “Oh, you’re in hospital? Is that because you’re getting an abortion? We all know you’ve gained weight and it doesn’t surprise me you’re pregnant. Getting an abortion so you can still whore around?”. After that I hung up and threw my phone across the room. The school holidays were just about to start, thank God!

PLEASE READ: just because you’ve made a bad choice or a mistake, doesn’t mean that you are entitled to the consequences that follow. I sure as hell did not deserve what has so far been dished out to me for one mistake and what’s even is worse is that it was all dished out to me by someone that I was quite proud to once call my good friend. If you find yourself being unfairly treated for a mistake that you’ve done, then take a stand and say your peace. You need to keep in mind that no matter, people are always going to be talking about you, a lesson that we all have to learn, I just hope you learn yours in a nicer way compared to mine. If you are struggling against an eating disorder of ANY kind, please seek help even if it’s just telling a friend, family member, teacher or even me, it’s still making someone aware or what’s going on and hopefully they can help you in the right way. Also, if you know someone who is struggling with an eating disorder, don’t force them to eat or eat less. They’re not eating/overeating for a reason. Forcing them to do so can just push them further away, talk to them, find out why/how they developed their eating disorder and then talk to them about finding a way to help them get back on track. It’s all about listening and taking baby steps to get yourself back on the road to recovery and then to a happier life.
-S x