Chapter Three: Start of High School

So start of Year 7 and already I had people talking about me, how my boyfriend deserves someone better and I hadn’t even been at school a whole day yet and half the whole class new who I was. I walked in late to assembly and was getting shown which home room I was going into and already I had started to hate school as the girl who made up most of the issues or made me feel like crap was the only girl in my house color and year level in my home room. After everyone got sorted into home rooms it was time to spend and hour with my home room peers. By the end of first break I was already crying. Around the end of April I was planning on dumping my boyfriend… reasons why? Well he was verbally abusing me and physically, lying behind my back, was pretty much stalking me, and liking other girls at the same time… on a dark rainy day my friend was there and helped me get through dumping him, after I dumped him he ran of crying. Now by standing in the rain I fell sick the next day but went to school for half day. During the break I saw my friends and my now ex’s friends running after him cause of what he was saying which involved me. It was exactly all what I said; using me, liking other girls but this hurt the most.. he never actually liked me and he said I would never feel love or know what it feels like to feel loved but you know what? he was right for a couple of years. The same year in September the girl in my home room was really annoyed one day and decided to let it out on me. All I did was sit down and she already told me to “fuck off” “no-one likes you Kim” and to “DIE”. Now the whole day I was stuck with this crap from her,at our lunch time break she snapped and slapped me pulled my hair kicked me and slapping me non-stop. So then I just cracked it and punched her in the face. That day when I went home my whole face was swollen and I was balling my eyes out to my parents. Next thing you know the gitl comes to school the next day with bruises everywhere as her father beat her up the night before and I got a weeks suspension and rumors flying around the school each year level and she got 2 days suspension and everyone loved her. After that week I had to start fresh again with no friends, everyone hating me for stupid rumors and it all kept going and getting worse till start of year 10.

READ: Everyone makes it through the bad times, like look at you now! You are still here and have overcome what has crossed your path. You are doing great 🙂 If someone is hurting you physically in a fight, one of your friends or a boy/girl friend tell them to stop, call a help line, try and find a way out. If you don’t stand up for yourself you will just keep felling down about yourself, stand up and use the voice you were given to stand up against anyone and be brave 🙂

~ K xx

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School Holidays Or Any Kind Of Long Break Can Make A Positive Change

I don’t know about you, but for me school holidays have just started. Taking a break away from an unfriendly environment and people, such as school and fellow students, it can really help you take the well needed break you deserve! Having this quality time to yourself can help you find what really makes you happy which can kickstart your journey onto a positive route. Getting away from all of that negative energy can instantly start making you feel better and more positive about yourself and your life. It is a tough battle and I can’t stress that enough! I understand that you may not see what I’m getting at, or it may seem way too hard to handle or that if you think I’m just another person saying that this is what you need to do as if it’s just that easy; I feel a fraction of your pain and suffering as I’ve been through similar things, I understand how difficult it is for you and I want you all to feel safe here.

PLEASE READ: even though you may not see it, the first step into getting better and becoming happier could be as simple as removing yourself from negative energy – yes it will be hard, just because it sounds simple doesn’t mean that it’s easy. Find something that has a positive influence you on and stick with it. It may seem extremely hard and don’t get me wrong, it will be hard, but not as hard as you think. It will be a struggle but does that mean it’s worth giving up everything? I sure as hell think it’s not and I hope that there’s still a fight left in you to think the same. You are beautiful. You are important. You are wanted. You deserve better. You deserve to be happy.
-S x

Chapter One: Some Things Affect Us At Young Ages

As soon as I started meeting new people it all started for me.. That’s right when I was 3 1/2 years old, the bullying, name calling, pushing, kicking everything.
I had only just started walking at the age of 3 and had already started to go to pre-school. I got bullied for the way my hair looked (I had a bob cut), got bullied cause I was still unstable on my feet and just everything in general. I became so lonely that I made friends with a girl who couldn’t even speak fluent English and her first language was Russian, about a few months into the relationship she moved back to Russia.
At the pre-school we had end of year little plays, we did Christmas, so what it was all about and I was to play mother Mary. I got hurt so much that day I was crying during the performance, the parents of the kids were talking about me saying “she only got the part cause her grandma is the teacher”… “She’s not even good looking and one of the ugliest children here” next thing you know I had to do another year of pre-school cause I couldn’t read properly… Got teased about that too.
The next year was pretty much the same thing every day. I would pretty much hug my mum’s leg every day crying to her saying “I don’t want to go, please”… but no I went. When it was over I was happy and thought it would all stop… little did I know it would haunt me.
I started my first year of school and first day had just started and I was already crying. I was getting bullied about the same things all over again except it was big kids calling me names and making me feel worse about myself making all the kids in my year hate me. Things like “you don’t belong here”… ” get of the playground.. No one wants you here” “you are a loser”. I hated it. At the age of 6 and I had already had more bad days than good days. Most of them. I remember I was in the sandpit and got told to get out cause I’m a waste of space and I ran out and around the sandpit was massive rocks and I ran got pushed and hit my top of my thigh really hard on the rock. I started bleeding heaps from my leg and other parts I was crying. I already wanted to die and I was only 6. I told people, I told the teachers but all they did was call up my parents and tell them or ask them “something’s wrong with her” “what’s wrong with her”. I cried after that too. But nothing was wrong with me. I was being bullied and they didn’t see it. I told my parents they were understanding of it but then my sister was born and everything changed. I was pushed to the side to never again speak of it to my parents and act like the strong healthiest person in the family. That’s what I have been doing.
3 years went by and still each day I got hurt and no friends the same things each day. Eventually I moved schools. On the last day I found out and I was so happy being a child thinking it would all go away again I thought that. I couldn’t wait till summer holidays finished to start at a new school and actually belong somewhere. But I didn’t.

MY ADVICE: No one should be able to make you feel like you were a mistake or you are worthless. You are here for a reason and all those people who are hurting you will all one day realise what they did and may even be jealous and want to apologise to you. But you will be so much better with out them. If someone is telling you that you don’t belong here or calling you names go tell someone that could actually do something, tell a parent, or a teacher that you trust or will understand you. If you have a friend tell your friend, a girl/boyfriend someone that can help you. Just know you aren’t what those people are telling you. You are more than that and they just want people to think less of themselves so they feel superior. You are so much better than them just know that.
~ K xx

Sadly, Everyone Struggles

In the hopes of reaching out to people and sharing our stories to try and give you advice and/or guidance, we’re going to stat sharing more true, personal stories about personal adventures and struggles that people we know have been through. Each of these people are writing their own stories and are giving us permission to post them here – they understand what it’s like to struggle with anxiety, depression, eating disorders, family issues, suicide, etc. and just like me, they want to reach out and help anyone going through the same or similar ordeals. Tomorrow we are introducing K’s ongoing adventure through life. No matter how big or how small your struggles are, they tear you down and affect you and we want to stop that. You’re smart, beautiful people that deserve the best! You’re strong warriors and it’s time for your battle to end – it’s time to take baby steps and put down the razor. It’s time to rip that suicide letter up and burn it. It’s time to create your own happiness and live your life in complete happiness and peace because you deserve it.
Stay strong warriors!
-S x

Chapter Five: Ditch the Heartache and Create Your Own Happiness

I haven’t been at school for the past four or five weeks; I no longer feel safe and no longer see the point in completing VCE at all. I am fed up with the petty bullshit drama that revolves around school and I want out… so I ditched the heartache. I am in the process of leaving school for good, but I am not quitting my education completely. I’m enrolling in an online course that will take up the remainder of the year and then next year I’m straight into tafe doing something that I love and being somewhere where I am genuinely happy and feel safe. Not being at school has really given me some time to myself to really think about what was making me so depressed and pushing me to the point where I was literally thinking about ending it all. I kept myself locked away in my room and only ever left the house if I was on my own, and when I did leave the house, it was always to run away to my best guy friend’s house to escape the tragedy that had essentially become my life. I would always fake a smile around friends and after leaving school I slowly began to feel that fake smile becoming real. I was away from what was making me depressed and scared, and although I’m not completely better at the moment, I am on the fast track to recovery because I had the support of my two best friends by at all times. It was extremely hard for me to let them in and know even a small portion of what was going on inside my head, but opening up to them really helped. It took time, but it worked for me. I found myself leaving the house more often to go and see my best guy friend, he is really supportive and understands that sometimes I just need to get away from my life and just sleep or hang out at a place where I feel safe; with all the time we were spending together and the many years of our friendship and being close all the time and sharing practically everything together and his family being completely understanding with me being over there all the time… we started dating. It has been one rocky road for me especially regarding the whole “relationship” part of life and to others and even you, it may sound like that I’m just asking for more trouble in my life. Because of him my life has made a dramatic turn and spending time with him genuinely makes me happy and makes me feel safe. I guess life has a very, very weird and fucked up way of working.

PLEASE READ: for me, in order to get on track and get my life in order and start getting better, I had to eliminate what was making things so shitty for me. If you find yourself being genuinely unhappy, felling unsafe and/or feeling like you need to harm yourself in order to escape the pain, I just ask you to look around yourself and find what triggers you to feel like that. It’s all about taking baby steps and doing what you are comfortable with. Once you and key point what is making you feel like absolute shit and that you need to end it all, GET RID OF IT! Move schools, make better friends, change subjects, go to tafe, quit your job! Anything that is holding you down and suffocating you needs to go. It’s hard, I know, and it’s even harder if you’ve been through more shit than me or been dealing with shit longer than me or are even just really affected by it all, it’s hard and I know that, and I know it might not be as easy for you to create your own happiness as it was for me and I applaud you for hanging in there, being strong and being a warrior! You’re strong, brave and you’re here for a reason – don’t give up yet! I want you here.
-S x

Chapter Two: We all Make Mistakes – We’re Only Human!

After being able to get into a new school on such short notice, my life began to turn around for the better. I made new friends, had good grades although my ability to become friends with guys was shattered. Growing up, I had always been one of those girls that was friends with guys, sure I always had a close girl friend or two, but guys just seemed to be better friends at certain times. My first few months at my new school my mind was constantly getting confused about guys – sounds as though I’m talking about dating-wise but no, I was confused about guys because I didn’t know who to trust, how to trust, how to tell the good guys from the bad guys. I ended up getting into two relationships since I started at the new school. The first boyfriend – he was kind, a Christian, sweet, compassionate, I thought there was nothing wrong until I realised that my ex was also kind, sweet, compassionate and also a Christian. I was terrified of this new guy and didn’t want to be assaulted again, so I broke things off, we’re still friends to this day but it is awkward because my initial first feeling towards him of being scared still lingers. Months went by and I started to drink; it started as my best friend and I going to a party and doing shots. That night I was tipsy and because it was the first time I had ever had alcohol in my system I wasn’t used to the effects it causes to the human body. When I got home to my friend’s house, I ended up splitting my head open on his bedside table and having my best friend clean the blood up with one of those make-up removal wipes – I didn’t need stitches, thank God, but I still have a slightly noticeable dent in my head. One week later after that party, I got into the second relationship – this guy sensitive, compassionate, loving, caring, supportive. Yes, I was scared that he was going to turn out like my first, but I thought I owed myself to try and get over this “fear” of guys and give the new guy a shot. We were happy together for a couple of months but it started going downhill. It all started when he told my best friend that he wasn’t going to talk to me for one week every month – care to take a guess why? Periods. How insensitive is that? From that point on, I started to feel insecure and scared of him. A week later we went to a mate’s 19th, we were both drinking. I had about three “cruiser-like” drinks and him… well he ended up passing out in the toilet and not once did he talk to me that night, he completely ignored me the entire night. My best friend was also there but she had sectioned herself off to spend some “alone time” with her boyfriend. When I heard that people were going to bring drugs to the party, I high-tailed it out of there! I was uncomfortable and scared so I rang my best guy friend. He and two of his friends came and picked me up and took me to his to stay the night. I got along great with his two friends and was even really flirty with one of them. At this point I felt nothing to my boyfriend at that time that for one night I completely forgot that I was even dating him. That night was the night that I lost my virginity to one of my best guy friend’s mates. I felt horrible, I left my friend’s house at 3am and walked the streets until my mum picked me up at 8 o’clock. I didn’t see my boyfriend until three days later and I came clean immediately. At first, I wasn’t going to tell him and I was just going to end things with him because I had done something horrible, but a guy I know told me that he deserves to know the truth, so I told my boyfriend what happened and broke things off. He promised not to tell anyone because I didn’t want it to get out – I’m not a cheater, I don’t use guys. I made a mistake and I take full responsibility for it! Yes, I had been drinking, yes my relationship was going downhill, and yes my mind was completely fucked up due to the on-going trauma caused by my first relationship, even though all those things play a part in my decision, it was still my decision to cheat. I regret hurting my boyfriend but in all honesty, I don’t regret losing my virginity; I mean, yes I regret cheating, but I don’t regret having sex for the first time. It opened up my eyes and made me grow up, I feel more mature after that night and I think that’s really helped me out.

PLEASE READ: drinking alcohol and doing drugs can harm your body! It is your choice, but please think about the consequences! When drinking and/or doing drugs, take extra time to think things through when it comes to making big decisions like losing your virginity – you don’t want to wake up the next morning and regret it! Cheating is wrong but we all make mistakes! I believe that if you come clean about it as soon as possible, you will feel better and not guilty anymore. You may find that cheating was the best thing you could have done for yourself, but your partner deserves to know! Do not let a mistake like cheating affect who you are or your reputation. Cheating is merely an act, not a definition of who you are! I do not approve of cheating but I do understand that sometimes we make mistakes, sometimes our minds are not in the right place and shit happens, but if you deal with it maturely and take responsibility for your mistake/s, in the end you’ll feel better. Everyone makes mistakes and their mistakes do not define who they are so do not judge them based solely on the mistakes they’ve made – learn to focus not only on the bad, but also on the good!
-S x

Not a bad life, just a bad day

The purpose of this blog is to share stories, find support, ask for advice. The reason why I started this blog is to share with everyone my story – my struggles with depression, anxiety, self-harm, suicidal thoughts and eating disorders. I’ve been through a great ordeal and I’m still struggling, but I want to share with you my story and all my struggles and everything I’ve been through to show you that even though today may seem crappy, tomorrow will be a brighter day. By sharing my story, I hope to help you through your struggles and inspire you to make a change. The battles are tough, I know, but we’re all fighting the battle, just different devils. We’re all thinking the same things, just to different extents. We’re all feeling the same things, just different intensities. We’re all in this together, even though you may not see it. I want to provide support for anyone struggling through anything going on in their life at the moment. I am making a stand because depression, anxiety, suicide, self-harm, eating disorders and what not are serious issues that need to be faced head on right now, not after someone has taken their life because they feel it’s the only way. I understand how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking. Opening up to strangers can help, even listening to someone else’s battle story can help; so with that said, as I share my story with you through this blog, I hope to help you in one way or another. I am also here to listen to your stories too, to help you, give advice and support, help you through an ordeal because in the end, we’re in this battle together and you’re not alone. It’s just a bad day, not a bad life and you can win against your devil that you’re constantly fighting, I stand here as an example of that and I want to help you achieve the same thing.
-S x