Chapter Seven: It Takes Time

About 2 weeks after we started going out we went to church again on a Friday and the person who was in charge of the youth and keeping us safe and have fun called me over to her and she asked if I was okay I said “umm yea why” she realised I lost weight. I never saw it I just saw fat. I said “no I haven’t I weighed myself yesterday and I’m still the same weight” after that people from church, my friends, my teachers, peers, my boyfriend had realised my face looked my slender and you could see my cheek bones more than you could before and my hip bones were showing threw my shirts I was wearing. All I saw a felt was fat. So I didn’t believe it. Since my boyfriend and I started going out I have tried to kill myself on more than one occasion and it was a about a week later when everyone started realising I was losing weight, I to be honest never saw it and still don’t. So the night I tried again I called my boyfriend and told him I love him and always will. That night he called my parents and told them my mental state when they came in my room I was already asleep. I found out straight away that he told them and at the time I hated him for it but now… All I see is that he was caring for his girlfriend. I was still not eating and if I was I would feel sick straight after but wouldn’t throw it up. I started to feel weaker and weaker each day. My boyfriend came over to my house and I told him everything. All he did for about an hour was tell me how beautiful I was and that’s all it took me to eat normally. Now all I want to eat is pizza and pasta but as well healthy too. For about 2 weeks every few days my boyfriend would write poems for me and they were beautiful. They made me smile and cry for joy. He is the reason I am here today and I thank him for that. This year I found my first true best friend. After all that she went through we came close as we felt like we connected and we just make each other laugh and always there for each other. We bonded when I found out what happened to her and she found out what happened to me. This is the other author S. This entire year has been filled with happy and amazing moments which over look the bad times. I do still feel down about my past but S and my boyfriend (lover boy) make me over look that and are the only ones that still want to be in my life after everything that has happened. They are all I need.

MY ADVICE: all you need is a best friend. Even if that’s a tub of ice cream and your favourite tv show that’s okay. I still do that sometimes and it feels great. If you focus on the positives you will see you have had some good in your life and will see what others may see or you may see the point in living. You are perfect you are worth the air you breathe. You are worth the food you get on your plate or the food you may eat out like McDonalds or for me pizza. You can focus on what you want in life. Do you want to get married to your current boyfriend? We’ll work towards that. You want a career in dance? Work towards that. You want to help others so they don’t feel like you felt in the past? Then do that. You just need to focus either on the positives in your life or the positives that you want in your life. And that’s what I’m doing. Just focus on the positives in life and you will be set. If you still need to talk to someone to get some help. Call a help line, a friend, family member, by sending us a comment on our posts anything so you get help just tell someone. You need some happiness in your life and you are worth it.

Chapter Five: Not Once But Twice

I hadn’t spoke to my “boyfriend” in now over a week, and I was preoccupying myself with other guys. People had said to me that my entire attitude towards everything had changed. Not only did I not listen to anyone, I kept changing without even knowing. People weren’t able to recognize me. My best friend at the time had as I said, liked me for about four years and had asked to hang out, I said yea sure why not. People would tell me he was weird, he was a trouble maker and not to trust him. Though, still I didn’t listen to them because he was my best friend. After school we took the same bus I take to go home but got off at an earlier stop. He directed me to a bunch of trees and bushes near a lake. It was a very closed area and no one could see us or even hear me. So we were talking and laughing and just being silly and mucking around… Next thing you know he tells me my button had come undone and I buttoned it up again but he reaches over to my chest and unbuttons it himself and every other button on my dress. He saw my boobs and pushed me forward and reached under my dress and undid my bra. At this point I was shocked, my best friend is now trying to either hurt me sexually and mentally or take my virginity. Well he did one of them. I was scared for my life that someone that I trusted with my life is trying to hurt me. He was squeezing my boobs so hard it hurt for hours after, he had now not even pulled my under wear down but somehow pinned me to the ground and had fingered me so hard it was my first freaking time doing anything like that and it hurt he just kept going so hard and fast and it hurt like crazy all I did was scream “STOP” but next thing he did was cover my mouth with his hand, after a minute he removed his hand and he started forcefully kissing me. He started to tell me to stop being so “friget” and just let it happen. His mum then called him and he reached for his phone to turn it off, whilst he was doing this I grabbed my stuff and tried to get away but he grabbed my foot I kicked him off and ran home as fast as I could. Whilst I was running I saw him run after me so I took a short cut home and I lost him. When I got home no one was there and all I did was jump into the shower and cry. In the process I was so emotional I grabbed a shaver and cut myself deep into my leg and I bleed out heaps. I started to feel really week and I had blacked out in the shower. About 15-25 minutes later I woke up and turned the water off and dried off and checked my phone. He had texted me 12 times maybe even more saying he was sorry and wants to redo today. I texted him back and said okay next week. Worst mistake of my life. During this week I had slowly started to not eat anything slowly by slowly I lost my appetite. My favorite foods became the things I started to hate, soft drinks I hated and would make me throw up. No one noticed how my behaviour towards food had changed and or decreased. The week after the previous event I met up with the same guy… at the same place. I was stupid enough to fall into his trap again. He apologized, said he “didn’t know what came over him” that I just “tease him” and it’s about time he and I “did something” because he has waited for so long.I started to feel like something was up but ignored my heart and head. And it happened all again like ‘Déjà vu’  but more rough this time and he involved his dick. He tried to hold me down and force his dick down my throat and in my vagina. He didn’t succeed at both, but he fingered me again but with more fingers and harder than before. He ripped my clothes off and my phone and earphones out from my pocket and threw it about a metre from us. I reached and grabbed my phone to call my “boyfriend” but this guy had put it in his pocket, and again forced his tongue down my throat. Thank god his grandma called concerning where he was and I reached for my phone earphones, bag, my clothes and put it on whilst i was running from him. He screamed to me to come back so I walked back and he grabbed my arse and lifted my up so he could kiss me I pushed him away and I fell to the ground. I ran this time and didn’t stop. He shouted at me saying ” come back or you’ll regret it”… I didn’t go back though. I kept sprinting home till I got to the shower and again I had cut myself. Higher on my thigh and I passed out again but for about 10 minutes. I got changed and opened Facebook and already I was planning my death in more detail this time. He told all his mates and some of mine that I had sent him nudes and it spread like wild fire. Everyone believed him, and he was so low he found a picture cut out the head and showed all his mates and everyone believed him. Next thing a close friend of his got the same photo edited it to make it look like it was on a different day and said he got sent nudes too from me. I faked being sick for 2 weeks,I had not eaten anything or drunk anything except water. I called my ”boyfriend” to tell him what was happening and he said it serves me right for not giving into him, that it’s all “my fault” I believed him and but told him he was useless and I hate him… that’s how we broke up. That night I grabbed my mums pain killers/ sleeping pills and took a handful of them. I fell asleep straight away but woke up the next day around 8 in the evening, but was still tired so I went back to sleep.

MY ADVICE: If multiple people are telling you something about someone and you have noticed a change in him or her re-evaluate the situation and the person. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is cheating on you don’t do it back to try and “get back at them” all you will be doing is hurting yourself. You aren’t worth the pain and agony that you or others go through. I regret cheating on my ex even though he did the same thing. If you want to kill yourself, imagine what you might miss out on in the world, who will miss you, your parents, friends, relatives, pets, family, boyfriend/girlfriend. If you feel the need to throw your food up, cut yourself, or not eat at all get some help as you are slowly killing yourself and you shouldn’t be trying to hurt your beautiful self.

~K xx

Chapter Four: The Happiest Of Things Can Be The Core Of Destruction.

At the start of year 10(2013) everything started to fade away.. the rumours, the backstabbing, the lying everything bad started to slip away and good things started to come my way. I started to have crushes again gained friends everything was fine until about early May last year I started to like a guy he was 19 at the time and he liked me back. He and I started dating and it was fine for a few weeks but one day we had a massive fight and we didn’t talk for two days. On the third day we had to go to church, and he asked me to meet him at the back of a hall next to the church, so I left my friends my family to meet him. It was a dark, cold gloomy night and it was about to rain. All of a sudden I’m walking towards the hall and I hear someone calling my name it was him. Now I thought he was calling me to apologise to me and to talk out… But I was wrong. He instead had the idea of taking my virginity as his apology to make everything better, but I didn’t want it. I struggled and cried and screamed…but no one could hear me. He had taken my jumper off, thrown it to the ground, he had taken my bra off, was forcing me to give him a blowjob and I was on the verge of throwing up. He was pushing me against the wall with all force and now he put me to my feet feet and had unbuttoned and unzipped my jeans had pulled them down and then, he took his shirt had put his pants down and taken them off, The only thing that was on the on both our bodies together was my underwear. He realised I still had them on, and taken them off me. I was still screaming but he was covering my mouth, he had nearly inserted his part until I punched him in the stomach, I was so scared I got ready in less than a minute. As soon as I had everything on I ran back to the church hearing him calling out my name in the back saying he was sorry that he didn’t mean it. After that night, we didn’t break up for at least two months. In that entire time, he spoke about his ex, he was talking about all the other girls he was seeing, the girls he was having sex with… but not one once did we ever break the relationship. After two months one of my guy friends had liked me for at least four years and he asked to hang out one day after school. So I agreed. And it was one of the worst decisions I had ever made.

MY ADVICE: if you are getting sexually harassed, or you have gone through the same thing I have stop what should I doing tell a leader, tell a teacher, it may be hard to tell a parent but tell a parent, tell a friend tell anyone that can help you get through it or that you trust to keep it a secret or to help you tell them you won’t regret it. Just remember you aren’t worth the suffering, the pain and agony of keeping it in, off it eating you alive. Just tell someone and it will make your life whole lot easier
~ K xx

Chapter Three: Start of High School

So start of Year 7 and already I had people talking about me, how my boyfriend deserves someone better and I hadn’t even been at school a whole day yet and half the whole class new who I was. I walked in late to assembly and was getting shown which home room I was going into and already I had started to hate school as the girl who made up most of the issues or made me feel like crap was the only girl in my house color and year level in my home room. After everyone got sorted into home rooms it was time to spend and hour with my home room peers. By the end of first break I was already crying. Around the end of April I was planning on dumping my boyfriend… reasons why? Well he was verbally abusing me and physically, lying behind my back, was pretty much stalking me, and liking other girls at the same time… on a dark rainy day my friend was there and helped me get through dumping him, after I dumped him he ran of crying. Now by standing in the rain I fell sick the next day but went to school for half day. During the break I saw my friends and my now ex’s friends running after him cause of what he was saying which involved me. It was exactly all what I said; using me, liking other girls but this hurt the most.. he never actually liked me and he said I would never feel love or know what it feels like to feel loved but you know what? he was right for a couple of years. The same year in September the girl in my home room was really annoyed one day and decided to let it out on me. All I did was sit down and she already told me to “fuck off” “no-one likes you Kim” and to “DIE”. Now the whole day I was stuck with this crap from her,at our lunch time break she snapped and slapped me pulled my hair kicked me and slapping me non-stop. So then I just cracked it and punched her in the face. That day when I went home my whole face was swollen and I was balling my eyes out to my parents. Next thing you know the gitl comes to school the next day with bruises everywhere as her father beat her up the night before and I got a weeks suspension and rumors flying around the school each year level and she got 2 days suspension and everyone loved her. After that week I had to start fresh again with no friends, everyone hating me for stupid rumors and it all kept going and getting worse till start of year 10.

READ: Everyone makes it through the bad times, like look at you now! You are still here and have overcome what has crossed your path. You are doing great 🙂 If someone is hurting you physically in a fight, one of your friends or a boy/girl friend tell them to stop, call a help line, try and find a way out. If you don’t stand up for yourself you will just keep felling down about yourself, stand up and use the voice you were given to stand up against anyone and be brave 🙂

~ K xx