Chapter Three: Start of High School

So start of Year 7 and already I had people talking about me, how my boyfriend deserves someone better and I hadn’t even been at school a whole day yet and half the whole class new who I was. I walked in late to assembly and was getting shown which home room I was going into and already I had started to hate school as the girl who made up most of the issues or made me feel like crap was the only girl in my house color and year level in my home room. After everyone got sorted into home rooms it was time to spend and hour with my home room peers. By the end of first break I was already crying. Around the end of April I was planning on dumping my boyfriend… reasons why? Well he was verbally abusing me and physically, lying behind my back, was pretty much stalking me, and liking other girls at the same time… on a dark rainy day my friend was there and helped me get through dumping him, after I dumped him he ran of crying. Now by standing in the rain I fell sick the next day but went to school for half day. During the break I saw my friends and my now ex’s friends running after him cause of what he was saying which involved me. It was exactly all what I said; using me, liking other girls but this hurt the most.. he never actually liked me and he said I would never feel love or know what it feels like to feel loved but you know what? he was right for a couple of years. The same year in September the girl in my home room was really annoyed one day and decided to let it out on me. All I did was sit down and she already told me to “fuck off” “no-one likes you Kim” and to “DIE”. Now the whole day I was stuck with this crap from her,at our lunch time break she snapped and slapped me pulled my hair kicked me and slapping me non-stop. So then I just cracked it and punched her in the face. That day when I went home my whole face was swollen and I was balling my eyes out to my parents. Next thing you know the gitl comes to school the next day with bruises everywhere as her father beat her up the night before and I got a weeks suspension and rumors flying around the school each year level and she got 2 days suspension and everyone loved her. After that week I had to start fresh again with no friends, everyone hating me for stupid rumors and it all kept going and getting worse till start of year 10.

READ: Everyone makes it through the bad times, like look at you now! You are still here and have overcome what has crossed your path. You are doing great 🙂 If someone is hurting you physically in a fight, one of your friends or a boy/girl friend tell them to stop, call a help line, try and find a way out. If you don’t stand up for yourself you will just keep felling down about yourself, stand up and use the voice you were given to stand up against anyone and be brave 🙂

~ K xx

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School Holidays Or Any Kind Of Long Break Can Make A Positive Change

I don’t know about you, but for me school holidays have just started. Taking a break away from an unfriendly environment and people, such as school and fellow students, it can really help you take the well needed break you deserve! Having this quality time to yourself can help you find what really makes you happy which can kickstart your journey onto a positive route. Getting away from all of that negative energy can instantly start making you feel better and more positive about yourself and your life. It is a tough battle and I can’t stress that enough! I understand that you may not see what I’m getting at, or it may seem way too hard to handle or that if you think I’m just another person saying that this is what you need to do as if it’s just that easy; I feel a fraction of your pain and suffering as I’ve been through similar things, I understand how difficult it is for you and I want you all to feel safe here.

PLEASE READ: even though you may not see it, the first step into getting better and becoming happier could be as simple as removing yourself from negative energy – yes it will be hard, just because it sounds simple doesn’t mean that it’s easy. Find something that has a positive influence you on and stick with it. It may seem extremely hard and don’t get me wrong, it will be hard, but not as hard as you think. It will be a struggle but does that mean it’s worth giving up everything? I sure as hell think it’s not and I hope that there’s still a fight left in you to think the same. You are beautiful. You are important. You are wanted. You deserve better. You deserve to be happy.
-S x

Chapter One: Some Things Affect Us At Young Ages

As soon as I started meeting new people it all started for me.. That’s right when I was 3 1/2 years old, the bullying, name calling, pushing, kicking everything.
I had only just started walking at the age of 3 and had already started to go to pre-school. I got bullied for the way my hair looked (I had a bob cut), got bullied cause I was still unstable on my feet and just everything in general. I became so lonely that I made friends with a girl who couldn’t even speak fluent English and her first language was Russian, about a few months into the relationship she moved back to Russia.
At the pre-school we had end of year little plays, we did Christmas, so what it was all about and I was to play mother Mary. I got hurt so much that day I was crying during the performance, the parents of the kids were talking about me saying “she only got the part cause her grandma is the teacher”… “She’s not even good looking and one of the ugliest children here” next thing you know I had to do another year of pre-school cause I couldn’t read properly… Got teased about that too.
The next year was pretty much the same thing every day. I would pretty much hug my mum’s leg every day crying to her saying “I don’t want to go, please”… but no I went. When it was over I was happy and thought it would all stop… little did I know it would haunt me.
I started my first year of school and first day had just started and I was already crying. I was getting bullied about the same things all over again except it was big kids calling me names and making me feel worse about myself making all the kids in my year hate me. Things like “you don’t belong here”… ” get of the playground.. No one wants you here” “you are a loser”. I hated it. At the age of 6 and I had already had more bad days than good days. Most of them. I remember I was in the sandpit and got told to get out cause I’m a waste of space and I ran out and around the sandpit was massive rocks and I ran got pushed and hit my top of my thigh really hard on the rock. I started bleeding heaps from my leg and other parts I was crying. I already wanted to die and I was only 6. I told people, I told the teachers but all they did was call up my parents and tell them or ask them “something’s wrong with her” “what’s wrong with her”. I cried after that too. But nothing was wrong with me. I was being bullied and they didn’t see it. I told my parents they were understanding of it but then my sister was born and everything changed. I was pushed to the side to never again speak of it to my parents and act like the strong healthiest person in the family. That’s what I have been doing.
3 years went by and still each day I got hurt and no friends the same things each day. Eventually I moved schools. On the last day I found out and I was so happy being a child thinking it would all go away again I thought that. I couldn’t wait till summer holidays finished to start at a new school and actually belong somewhere. But I didn’t.

MY ADVICE: No one should be able to make you feel like you were a mistake or you are worthless. You are here for a reason and all those people who are hurting you will all one day realise what they did and may even be jealous and want to apologise to you. But you will be so much better with out them. If someone is telling you that you don’t belong here or calling you names go tell someone that could actually do something, tell a parent, or a teacher that you trust or will understand you. If you have a friend tell your friend, a girl/boyfriend someone that can help you. Just know you aren’t what those people are telling you. You are more than that and they just want people to think less of themselves so they feel superior. You are so much better than them just know that.
~ K xx

Sadly, Everyone Struggles

In the hopes of reaching out to people and sharing our stories to try and give you advice and/or guidance, we’re going to stat sharing more true, personal stories about personal adventures and struggles that people we know have been through. Each of these people are writing their own stories and are giving us permission to post them here – they understand what it’s like to struggle with anxiety, depression, eating disorders, family issues, suicide, etc. and just like me, they want to reach out and help anyone going through the same or similar ordeals. Tomorrow we are introducing K’s ongoing adventure through life. No matter how big or how small your struggles are, they tear you down and affect you and we want to stop that. You’re smart, beautiful people that deserve the best! You’re strong warriors and it’s time for your battle to end – it’s time to take baby steps and put down the razor. It’s time to rip that suicide letter up and burn it. It’s time to create your own happiness and live your life in complete happiness and peace because you deserve it.
Stay strong warriors!
-S x

Chapter Six: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think!

Everything has been going good for me lately. I’m dropping out of school, starting an online course in photography for the rest of the year, I have a job, I have a boyfriend and friends who are genuine and are always there to support me… I thought nothing would go wrong but you see, life has this thing it likes to do – it likes to fuck shit up whenever you’re happy. In the last three days I have received over 20 prank calls from a number of different people, I have been asked several times to explain false rumours going around about me which just make me feel like shit whenever I hear the things that people are making up. I get thrown back to square one and have to start my baby steps all over again. This time I feel that I need to feel good about myself. I need to change my image like get a new haircut, dress differently, wear my make-up differently – you know, small things that I love about myself and hopefully it should make me feel good about myself. How I see it, if I change something about myself now that is in one way or another related to what is making me feel shitty, then I should feel empowered, strong, brave, courageous and happier! Usually changing my haircut or dressing differently fills me with a new outlook and that’s what I need. A new outlook on life. I am turning over a new leaf and making a complete change with my life. That is… until the next small hiccup comes my way, but there are always ways of dealing with hiccups. Drink lots of water, get someone to scare you or any other method. Life constantly throws hiccups at you because you are strong enough to withstand them. The way I see it is that each and every one of you has been put here for a reason and you are put through certain “adventures” or “journeys” for a reason – you would not be put through something that you cannot handle! Think about it, those girls and/or guys you see who have rich parents and are spoilt rotten and get everything and anything they want, they would never be able to to handle the things you’re going through because in all reality your struggles make you stronger even though it seems like all it’s doing is tearing you down. Find the strength to speak up and make a stand in your life – even though you’re strong enough to go through the hell life throws at you, doesn’t mean that you deserve it. Every second you improve and get better, life will be judging the best time to throw hiccups in your track, that’s just how it works,, but don’t let that get you down! As good ol’ Christopher Robin says to Pooh Bear: “Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” (written by A. A. Milne).

PLEASE READ: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. Stay strong! You are a warrior and you deserve happiness. Don’t take shit from anyone and do what makes you happy. Do whatever you need to do to create your own happiness!
-S x

Chapter Five: Ditch the Heartache and Create Your Own Happiness

I haven’t been at school for the past four or five weeks; I no longer feel safe and no longer see the point in completing VCE at all. I am fed up with the petty bullshit drama that revolves around school and I want out… so I ditched the heartache. I am in the process of leaving school for good, but I am not quitting my education completely. I’m enrolling in an online course that will take up the remainder of the year and then next year I’m straight into tafe doing something that I love and being somewhere where I am genuinely happy and feel safe. Not being at school has really given me some time to myself to really think about what was making me so depressed and pushing me to the point where I was literally thinking about ending it all. I kept myself locked away in my room and only ever left the house if I was on my own, and when I did leave the house, it was always to run away to my best guy friend’s house to escape the tragedy that had essentially become my life. I would always fake a smile around friends and after leaving school I slowly began to feel that fake smile becoming real. I was away from what was making me depressed and scared, and although I’m not completely better at the moment, I am on the fast track to recovery because I had the support of my two best friends by at all times. It was extremely hard for me to let them in and know even a small portion of what was going on inside my head, but opening up to them really helped. It took time, but it worked for me. I found myself leaving the house more often to go and see my best guy friend, he is really supportive and understands that sometimes I just need to get away from my life and just sleep or hang out at a place where I feel safe; with all the time we were spending together and the many years of our friendship and being close all the time and sharing practically everything together and his family being completely understanding with me being over there all the time… we started dating. It has been one rocky road for me especially regarding the whole “relationship” part of life and to others and even you, it may sound like that I’m just asking for more trouble in my life. Because of him my life has made a dramatic turn and spending time with him genuinely makes me happy and makes me feel safe. I guess life has a very, very weird and fucked up way of working.

PLEASE READ: for me, in order to get on track and get my life in order and start getting better, I had to eliminate what was making things so shitty for me. If you find yourself being genuinely unhappy, felling unsafe and/or feeling like you need to harm yourself in order to escape the pain, I just ask you to look around yourself and find what triggers you to feel like that. It’s all about taking baby steps and doing what you are comfortable with. Once you and key point what is making you feel like absolute shit and that you need to end it all, GET RID OF IT! Move schools, make better friends, change subjects, go to tafe, quit your job! Anything that is holding you down and suffocating you needs to go. It’s hard, I know, and it’s even harder if you’ve been through more shit than me or been dealing with shit longer than me or are even just really affected by it all, it’s hard and I know that, and I know it might not be as easy for you to create your own happiness as it was for me and I applaud you for hanging in there, being strong and being a warrior! You’re strong, brave and you’re here for a reason – don’t give up yet! I want you here.
-S x