Chapter Six: There Is Always Sun At The End Of The Tunnel

The whole weekend all I was doing was sleeping, I was exhausted, tired physically and mentally. I barely spoke to my family for weeks after this and they actually didn’t find out till recently when they over heard my conversation with S (the other author). After what happened I didn’t really care about my feelings and thought mine weren’t worth anything and everyone else’s was worth more. A friend of mine (not the greatest looking guy) started to like me. He asked me out and I said yes not caring. I liked him as a friend nothing else and I didn’t care about anything. The guy who tried twice heard about it and started making up rumours again saying all I’m here for is for sex and want to get payed for it, then started saying no point paying it’s free. I started going out with this guy I liked as a friend as he said no one will love me and made me feel bad so guilt tripped into saying yes into going out with him. We started going out middle of August last year (2013) but on the day of my birthday which is early August I fell in love with a guy I knew before(by face, didn’t know his name though) and finally the day came where someone introduced us to each other, he still remembers exactly what I was wearing and how my hair was tied back when we met. He is from church and was friends with the guy I was dating but kind of wasn’t for 2-3 months. During this relationship with my friend the guy I met on my birthday he and I were chatting and I realised that he was the one for me. He was the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I was totally infatuated with just the thought of him. No one from school knew him which was good. A week before the holidays I broke up with him and no one knew exactly why but they made that up themselves saying he wasn’t good at pleasuring me and just things like that. Just assuming shit when really it was cause the guy I met on my birthday started to make me be able to feel again, and I was able to experience true love. During the 2 week break the youth from church went on a camp. The guy that I fell in love with was there. It was 3 days and in our 3-4 hours of free time it was just him and I talking and laughing and just being ourselves. It was the first true happiness I felt. The first night on camp he asked me to be his girlfriend if I could go back in time I would change what I said as to this day he still tells me about it and we laugh. I said no. A second later he runs down the stairs and didn’t talk to me till morning. That morning the girl I was sharing a room with went to eat breakfast but I “wasn’t hungry” so I told her I’m still sleepy so want to sleep more. The guy who asked me out the night before (let’s call him lover boy) realised I wasn’t at breakfast and left breakfast early and came to my room he asked why I didn’t want to come and I explained to him I just felt bad about the night before but I wanted to get myself mentally and emotionally better and he said it was okay. The rest of the 2 days was a blast with him though the first guy that tried to take my virginity was there but lover boy made me not think about it. When we went back home lover boy and I saw each other at church on a Friday I still remember the date, 11th of October was our first kiss and to me it felt like nothing mattered except him and myself it felt like time stopped. All I had always wanted to do was was save my first kiss for the man I would spend the rest of my life with. Or that i truly loved he was my first really kiss since the others were forced and I was toto ally crushed about that. About 2 weeks later I had a fight with my parents and I told lover boy and he says met me at the shopping centre so I did. He got me some food and we saw not one but 2 movies. Around 9.30 pm when we were waiting to go home he asked me out and all I did was burst into tears. I felt so bad cause I was still having an eating disorder and I was still thinking about death and I never wanted to hurt him but my thoughts feelings, my past on my actions. He understood but was still annoyed but I understood why. That night when he dropped me home he said “when you feel it’s the right time for you, you have to ask me next time” so I thought about it and said okay. My parents knew there was a boy but didn’t know who. They thought I said yes on the camp which I didn’t. The next day another guy (let’s call him the player) asked me out and I didn’t care and said yes. But I said yes cause a few hours previous to this he told me no one will ever love him and he will always be lonely and never have anyone to love. It lasted less than a week. During this week each day I saw lover boy and the player didn’t catch on that we were going out until about a week after we started going out. I felt so bad but I wanted my happiness but he was lonely so I had. The player found out I was seeing lover boy whilst he and I were going out and I told him the situation and we didn’t talk for ages but now we are good friends. We laugh about it and he understands the pressure I felt and the way I felt. On the 4th of November (2013) I had the day of school and so did he do I went to his house. We were laughing and I was opening up to him about everything. I told him I love you more than anything. And about a second later he asked me out. I was gonna ask him out later on and I had it all planned but I was thankful I didn’t have to. And it was the best decision I have ever made. It’s his and my one year in about a month and a few days. And he makes me happy but in the mean time of going out he didn’t know that I wasn’t eating. I never told him about it until people started to realise. I never felt good about cheating I never did but all I was looking for happiness that’s okay right? No cheating is cheating and I felt terrible. I was only thinking about myself but at the same time not at all. I hate the person I was and became and I feel terrible about the guys I hurt so much even my boyfriend when he found out about it he hated it but he forgave me and realised I was trying to find happiness and see if it was really him. I was and am still sorry to this day for cheating. I learnt from my mistake.

MY ADVICE: when you are in a bad state all you think about is the bad things never good all you see at the end of the tunnel is a light and it’s the lights of a train. That’s how I felt. But sometimes maybe you are just seeing what you want when really everyone has the sun at the end of the tunnel and it’s beautiful and you feel happy like you are in a never ending meadow of beautiful flowers and butterflies. We all feel this happiness in our lives. Some longer than others. Sometimes it’s worth going through all that pain for the happiness you have waited for. It’s worth it. For me it was with it. And it will be worth it for you too you just have to breathe and focus on the light and you will see it’s the other side of the tunnel. Just believe in yourself and you will see it.
~ K xx

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Chapter Five: Not Once But Twice

I hadn’t spoke to my “boyfriend” in now over a week, and I was preoccupying myself with other guys. People had said to me that my entire attitude towards everything had changed. Not only did I not listen to anyone, I kept changing without even knowing. People weren’t able to recognize me. My best friend at the time had as I said, liked me for about four years and had asked to hang out, I said yea sure why not. People would tell me he was weird, he was a trouble maker and not to trust him. Though, still I didn’t listen to them because he was my best friend. After school we took the same bus I take to go home but got off at an earlier stop. He directed me to a bunch of trees and bushes near a lake. It was a very closed area and no one could see us or even hear me. So we were talking and laughing and just being silly and mucking around… Next thing you know he tells me my button had come undone and I buttoned it up again but he reaches over to my chest and unbuttons it himself and every other button on my dress. He saw my boobs and pushed me forward and reached under my dress and undid my bra. At this point I was shocked, my best friend is now trying to either hurt me sexually and mentally or take my virginity. Well he did one of them. I was scared for my life that someone that I trusted with my life is trying to hurt me. He was squeezing my boobs so hard it hurt for hours after, he had now not even pulled my under wear down but somehow pinned me to the ground and had fingered me so hard it was my first freaking time doing anything like that and it hurt he just kept going so hard and fast and it hurt like crazy all I did was scream “STOP” but next thing he did was cover my mouth with his hand, after a minute he removed his hand and he started forcefully kissing me. He started to tell me to stop being so “friget” and just let it happen. His mum then called him and he reached for his phone to turn it off, whilst he was doing this I grabbed my stuff and tried to get away but he grabbed my foot I kicked him off and ran home as fast as I could. Whilst I was running I saw him run after me so I took a short cut home and I lost him. When I got home no one was there and all I did was jump into the shower and cry. In the process I was so emotional I grabbed a shaver and cut myself deep into my leg and I bleed out heaps. I started to feel really week and I had blacked out in the shower. About 15-25 minutes later I woke up and turned the water off and dried off and checked my phone. He had texted me 12 times maybe even more saying he was sorry and wants to redo today. I texted him back and said okay next week. Worst mistake of my life. During this week I had slowly started to not eat anything slowly by slowly I lost my appetite. My favorite foods became the things I started to hate, soft drinks I hated and would make me throw up. No one noticed how my behaviour towards food had changed and or decreased. The week after the previous event I met up with the same guy… at the same place. I was stupid enough to fall into his trap again. He apologized, said he “didn’t know what came over him” that I just “tease him” and it’s about time he and I “did something” because he has waited for so long.I started to feel like something was up but ignored my heart and head. And it happened all again like ‘Déjà vu’  but more rough this time and he involved his dick. He tried to hold me down and force his dick down my throat and in my vagina. He didn’t succeed at both, but he fingered me again but with more fingers and harder than before. He ripped my clothes off and my phone and earphones out from my pocket and threw it about a metre from us. I reached and grabbed my phone to call my “boyfriend” but this guy had put it in his pocket, and again forced his tongue down my throat. Thank god his grandma called concerning where he was and I reached for my phone earphones, bag, my clothes and put it on whilst i was running from him. He screamed to me to come back so I walked back and he grabbed my arse and lifted my up so he could kiss me I pushed him away and I fell to the ground. I ran this time and didn’t stop. He shouted at me saying ” come back or you’ll regret it”… I didn’t go back though. I kept sprinting home till I got to the shower and again I had cut myself. Higher on my thigh and I passed out again but for about 10 minutes. I got changed and opened Facebook and already I was planning my death in more detail this time. He told all his mates and some of mine that I had sent him nudes and it spread like wild fire. Everyone believed him, and he was so low he found a picture cut out the head and showed all his mates and everyone believed him. Next thing a close friend of his got the same photo edited it to make it look like it was on a different day and said he got sent nudes too from me. I faked being sick for 2 weeks,I had not eaten anything or drunk anything except water. I called my ”boyfriend” to tell him what was happening and he said it serves me right for not giving into him, that it’s all “my fault” I believed him and but told him he was useless and I hate him… that’s how we broke up. That night I grabbed my mums pain killers/ sleeping pills and took a handful of them. I fell asleep straight away but woke up the next day around 8 in the evening, but was still tired so I went back to sleep.

MY ADVICE: If multiple people are telling you something about someone and you have noticed a change in him or her re-evaluate the situation and the person. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is cheating on you don’t do it back to try and “get back at them” all you will be doing is hurting yourself. You aren’t worth the pain and agony that you or others go through. I regret cheating on my ex even though he did the same thing. If you want to kill yourself, imagine what you might miss out on in the world, who will miss you, your parents, friends, relatives, pets, family, boyfriend/girlfriend. If you feel the need to throw your food up, cut yourself, or not eat at all get some help as you are slowly killing yourself and you shouldn’t be trying to hurt your beautiful self.

~K xx

Chapter Four: You is Kind. You is Smart. You is Important.

The school holidays came around and I thought that by the time school started again everything would be fine, everyone would have forgotten about my mistake and just drop it, but sadly that wasn’t exactly the case. The drama that followed was just too much for me and that’s the point where I lost it, that was the point where I just crumbled and broke and lost myself. I didn’t know what to think, what to do, I didn’t even really have a clue who I was anymore. Cheating isn’t something I would ever do! I’ve been cheated on before and I know what it feels like and I would never ever want to put someone through that… but I did and I am forever apologetic for doing that to my ex because he didn’t deserve it. I was so hurt and disappointed in myself that I started to take my anger out on myself. I was so good at hiding my emotions and my actions that not even my best friend knows what I really went through. I started to cut again and I just completely lost myself that I even started of thinking of ways to kill myself. I blamed myself for being sexually assaulted. I blamed myself for cheating. I blamed myself for every single thing that went remotely wrong in my life. I kept myself busy and redirected my negative energy about my life onto my media assignment which is how I came up with the idea to create a short film about a young girl battling with suicide, that is one thing that really helped me get past my “suicidal stage” but it didn’t help me get past all the shit going on at school. My ex’s friend was continually saying shit about me which then lead to other people creating their own rumours about me; I was so sick of it and felt so unsafe going to school every day. What really pushed me over the edge was my ex’s friend saying that he was going to make my life hell until I left the school. I felt like I couldn’t go out because no matter what I did it would somehow be fuel to the fire. I couldn’t go out with friends without rumours going around saying that I was a lesbian and God knows what else they were saying. People were continuously telling me that I was “fake” and “untrustworthy” and other nonsense like that and I can understand how they were coming from because of ONE mistake that I made COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER but they didn’t know the FULL, TRUE STORY! No one bothered to come and ask me what actually happened, instead they just thought what they wanted to and listened to all the bullshit rumours going around about me. I was really hurt because people that I thought I could call friends were not only believing the rumours going around about me, but were also adding their 2 cents to the rumours which just made things worse. I would leave school early and sometimes I wouldn’t even show up to school for days; I just felt so unsafe and attacked. School was always a place that I loved going to, I always felt safe and I honestly really enjoyed doing all the schoolwork, but I was no longer enjoying myself and no longer felt like school was a happy and safe place for me to be anymore, the rumours that were going around literally destroyed me and who I was. I am no longer who I am and that’s what really destroys me every day and night, the fact that someone had the power to destroy my entire being is what eats me up inside whenever I am alone with my thoughts.

PLEASE READ: no one should ever have the power to destroy your entire being or even a small fraction of who you are, you and only you have the ability to define who you are! I am still building myself back up and trying to rediscover who I am. Don’t let anyone make you feel so unsafe and scared that you can no longer go to school or to work or do something that you love. Speak up because no matter if you’re 12 years old or 32, no one has the right to bully you or destroy who you are. You do not have to put up with anyone who makes you unsafe, uncomfortable or uneasy about yourself or where you are. If you’re thinking about suicide and/or harming yourself, I ask that you look deep inside yourself and think of what truly makes you happy – doesn’t matter what it is! When you find what truly makes you happy then start doing it. Redirect that negative energy and turn it into something positive. By directing my negative energy into the short film about suicide, I started getting really busy and focused on creating something, I’ve always been happy mucking around with technology and creating things and it really helped me out. You is kind. You is smart. You is important. (The Help).
-S x

Chapter Three: Every Choice Comes with Consequences

So after I cam clean about my mistake, I decided not to tell anyone the reason why I broke things off and I thought that my now ex-boyfriend would do the same, not for but for himself; sadly, that wasn’t case. I understand why he felt the need to tell his dad, his best friend and his closest mate, he needed to vent to someone and get advice from friends and all that, and I completely understand that and I was glad that he did so he didn’t keep it all bottled up inside; but it was his closest friend that decided to take things into his own hands and let the cat out of the bag. I was never angry at any of them, only disappointed. They all knew what had happened to me in the past and I would have at least thought that they would be considerate and not spread it around the school; I knew they were going to talk about it, I just never knew that they would create what became my life in hell. I started getting threatening messages from the closest mate, he was saying awful things about me that weren’t true. He knew damn well what actually happened at my old school yet he was the one that went around my new school saying that I actually consented to having sex with the guy on school property. He is also the one who started the rumour that I was selling myself as a prostitute and that I had slept with half the guys at school; when this rumour spread I started getting phone calls at 3 o’clock in the morning, can you guess who was calling me? That’s right, my ex-boyfriend’s closest mate! At this point in time, my parents were going through a very sticky situation. My dad had been kicked out of the house and my mum threatening to divorce him. This didn’t exactly affect too badly because, and I know this sounds bad, I don’t actually like my dad that much – he’s controlling, picks on my every flaw, says I’m lazy and no good when all I do everyday is homework, work and clean up around the house, he always finds something to criticise about me and it just made me dislike him… a lot. Anyway, I was feeling overly stressed because my mum and sister’s were taking this messy situation between my parents pretty hard, but when I started receiving phone calls at 3am asking why I cheated on my ex, if I’m straight or lesbian, if I charge money for sex and if so, how much, when I was available next to go and sell my body to a guy – meaning to have sex in exchange for money – and I knew damn well who it was. This went on for about a week. I started to develop an eating disorder because of stress. My stress levels were too high which then made it extremely difficult for me to swallow food and when I did manage to swallow something, it was the most painful thing in the world and I just wanted to throw up because it was that painful; and I did a couple of times. I eventually got medication and that helped a lot! When I could eat again, I just ate all the pizza I could and ended up gaining weight – which for me wasn’t an issue because I’ve always been quite thin naturally, so thin that people thought I was anorexic which is untrue because if you actually know me, I eat so much and usually leave people wondering how I’m so skinny when I don’t exercise at all. But people noticed my weight gain and one of those people were my ex’s closest mate. I ran out of my medication and my stress/eating disorder should have been fixed, but it wasn’t. My parents took me to hospital to find out with there was a serious underlying condition that our general doctor missed and I had to stay overnight. Later that night I received yet another phone call at 3am and this time it was somewhat different. I could easily tell it was my ex’s closest mate, he’s part British and he isn’t very good at hiding his accent. He started to ask me the usual questions, how much do you charge for sex? I’m looking for a fun time. I hear you fuck guys wherever they want like on pool tables, the kitchen bench, in cars. I told him to knock it off because I wasn’t in the mood and that I was tired and so sick that I was in hospital, that could have been the worst thing I could have said. I thought that by telling him that I was in hospital would make him realise that he needs to stop, he and I were good friends and I thought that he would apologise and hang up, or at least just hang up and leave me alone, but nope, I had unknowingly given him another outlet to start rumours. His response to me telling him I was in hospital was, “Oh, you’re in hospital? Is that because you’re getting an abortion? We all know you’ve gained weight and it doesn’t surprise me you’re pregnant. Getting an abortion so you can still whore around?”. After that I hung up and threw my phone across the room. The school holidays were just about to start, thank God!

PLEASE READ: just because you’ve made a bad choice or a mistake, doesn’t mean that you are entitled to the consequences that follow. I sure as hell did not deserve what has so far been dished out to me for one mistake and what’s even is worse is that it was all dished out to me by someone that I was quite proud to once call my good friend. If you find yourself being unfairly treated for a mistake that you’ve done, then take a stand and say your peace. You need to keep in mind that no matter, people are always going to be talking about you, a lesson that we all have to learn, I just hope you learn yours in a nicer way compared to mine. If you are struggling against an eating disorder of ANY kind, please seek help even if it’s just telling a friend, family member, teacher or even me, it’s still making someone aware or what’s going on and hopefully they can help you in the right way. Also, if you know someone who is struggling with an eating disorder, don’t force them to eat or eat less. They’re not eating/overeating for a reason. Forcing them to do so can just push them further away, talk to them, find out why/how they developed their eating disorder and then talk to them about finding a way to help them get back on track. It’s all about listening and taking baby steps to get yourself back on the road to recovery and then to a happier life.
-S x

Chapter Two: We all Make Mistakes – We’re Only Human!

After being able to get into a new school on such short notice, my life began to turn around for the better. I made new friends, had good grades although my ability to become friends with guys was shattered. Growing up, I had always been one of those girls that was friends with guys, sure I always had a close girl friend or two, but guys just seemed to be better friends at certain times. My first few months at my new school my mind was constantly getting confused about guys – sounds as though I’m talking about dating-wise but no, I was confused about guys because I didn’t know who to trust, how to trust, how to tell the good guys from the bad guys. I ended up getting into two relationships since I started at the new school. The first boyfriend – he was kind, a Christian, sweet, compassionate, I thought there was nothing wrong until I realised that my ex was also kind, sweet, compassionate and also a Christian. I was terrified of this new guy and didn’t want to be assaulted again, so I broke things off, we’re still friends to this day but it is awkward because my initial first feeling towards him of being scared still lingers. Months went by and I started to drink; it started as my best friend and I going to a party and doing shots. That night I was tipsy and because it was the first time I had ever had alcohol in my system I wasn’t used to the effects it causes to the human body. When I got home to my friend’s house, I ended up splitting my head open on his bedside table and having my best friend clean the blood up with one of those make-up removal wipes – I didn’t need stitches, thank God, but I still have a slightly noticeable dent in my head. One week later after that party, I got into the second relationship – this guy sensitive, compassionate, loving, caring, supportive. Yes, I was scared that he was going to turn out like my first, but I thought I owed myself to try and get over this “fear” of guys and give the new guy a shot. We were happy together for a couple of months but it started going downhill. It all started when he told my best friend that he wasn’t going to talk to me for one week every month – care to take a guess why? Periods. How insensitive is that? From that point on, I started to feel insecure and scared of him. A week later we went to a mate’s 19th, we were both drinking. I had about three “cruiser-like” drinks and him… well he ended up passing out in the toilet and not once did he talk to me that night, he completely ignored me the entire night. My best friend was also there but she had sectioned herself off to spend some “alone time” with her boyfriend. When I heard that people were going to bring drugs to the party, I high-tailed it out of there! I was uncomfortable and scared so I rang my best guy friend. He and two of his friends came and picked me up and took me to his to stay the night. I got along great with his two friends and was even really flirty with one of them. At this point I felt nothing to my boyfriend at that time that for one night I completely forgot that I was even dating him. That night was the night that I lost my virginity to one of my best guy friend’s mates. I felt horrible, I left my friend’s house at 3am and walked the streets until my mum picked me up at 8 o’clock. I didn’t see my boyfriend until three days later and I came clean immediately. At first, I wasn’t going to tell him and I was just going to end things with him because I had done something horrible, but a guy I know told me that he deserves to know the truth, so I told my boyfriend what happened and broke things off. He promised not to tell anyone because I didn’t want it to get out – I’m not a cheater, I don’t use guys. I made a mistake and I take full responsibility for it! Yes, I had been drinking, yes my relationship was going downhill, and yes my mind was completely fucked up due to the on-going trauma caused by my first relationship, even though all those things play a part in my decision, it was still my decision to cheat. I regret hurting my boyfriend but in all honesty, I don’t regret losing my virginity; I mean, yes I regret cheating, but I don’t regret having sex for the first time. It opened up my eyes and made me grow up, I feel more mature after that night and I think that’s really helped me out.

PLEASE READ: drinking alcohol and doing drugs can harm your body! It is your choice, but please think about the consequences! When drinking and/or doing drugs, take extra time to think things through when it comes to making big decisions like losing your virginity – you don’t want to wake up the next morning and regret it! Cheating is wrong but we all make mistakes! I believe that if you come clean about it as soon as possible, you will feel better and not guilty anymore. You may find that cheating was the best thing you could have done for yourself, but your partner deserves to know! Do not let a mistake like cheating affect who you are or your reputation. Cheating is merely an act, not a definition of who you are! I do not approve of cheating but I do understand that sometimes we make mistakes, sometimes our minds are not in the right place and shit happens, but if you deal with it maturely and take responsibility for your mistake/s, in the end you’ll feel better. Everyone makes mistakes and their mistakes do not define who they are so do not judge them based solely on the mistakes they’ve made – learn to focus not only on the bad, but also on the good!
-S x