School Holidays Or Any Kind Of Long Break Can Make A Positive Change

I don’t know about you, but for me school holidays have just started. Taking a break away from an unfriendly environment and people, such as school and fellow students, it can really help you take the well needed break you deserve! Having this quality time to yourself can help you find what really makes you happy which can kickstart your journey onto a positive route. Getting away from all of that negative energy can instantly start making you feel better and more positive about yourself and your life. It is a tough battle and I can’t stress that enough! I understand that you may not see what I’m getting at, or it may seem way too hard to handle or that if you think I’m just another person saying that this is what you need to do as if it’s just that easy; I feel a fraction of your pain and suffering as I’ve been through similar things, I understand how difficult it is for you and I want you all to feel safe here.

PLEASE READ: even though you may not see it, the first step into getting better and becoming happier could be as simple as removing yourself from negative energy – yes it will be hard, just because it sounds simple doesn’t mean that it’s easy. Find something that has a positive influence you on and stick with it. It may seem extremely hard and don’t get me wrong, it will be hard, but not as hard as you think. It will be a struggle but does that mean it’s worth giving up everything? I sure as hell think it’s not and I hope that there’s still a fight left in you to think the same. You are beautiful. You are important. You are wanted. You deserve better. You deserve to be happy.
-S x

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Chapter Four: You is Kind. You is Smart. You is Important.

The school holidays came around and I thought that by the time school started again everything would be fine, everyone would have forgotten about my mistake and just drop it, but sadly that wasn’t exactly the case. The drama that followed was just too much for me and that’s the point where I lost it, that was the point where I just crumbled and broke and lost myself. I didn’t know what to think, what to do, I didn’t even really have a clue who I was anymore. Cheating isn’t something I would ever do! I’ve been cheated on before and I know what it feels like and I would never ever want to put someone through that… but I did and I am forever apologetic for doing that to my ex because he didn’t deserve it. I was so hurt and disappointed in myself that I started to take my anger out on myself. I was so good at hiding my emotions and my actions that not even my best friend knows what I really went through. I started to cut again and I just completely lost myself that I even started of thinking of ways to kill myself. I blamed myself for being sexually assaulted. I blamed myself for cheating. I blamed myself for every single thing that went remotely wrong in my life. I kept myself busy and redirected my negative energy about my life onto my media assignment which is how I came up with the idea to create a short film about a young girl battling with suicide, that is one thing that really helped me get past my “suicidal stage” but it didn’t help me get past all the shit going on at school. My ex’s friend was continually saying shit about me which then lead to other people creating their own rumours about me; I was so sick of it and felt so unsafe going to school every day. What really pushed me over the edge was my ex’s friend saying that he was going to make my life hell until I left the school. I felt like I couldn’t go out because no matter what I did it would somehow be fuel to the fire. I couldn’t go out with friends without rumours going around saying that I was a lesbian and God knows what else they were saying. People were continuously telling me that I was “fake” and “untrustworthy” and other nonsense like that and I can understand how they were coming from because of ONE mistake that I made COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER but they didn’t know the FULL, TRUE STORY! No one bothered to come and ask me what actually happened, instead they just thought what they wanted to and listened to all the bullshit rumours going around about me. I was really hurt because people that I thought I could call friends were not only believing the rumours going around about me, but were also adding their 2 cents to the rumours which just made things worse. I would leave school early and sometimes I wouldn’t even show up to school for days; I just felt so unsafe and attacked. School was always a place that I loved going to, I always felt safe and I honestly really enjoyed doing all the schoolwork, but I was no longer enjoying myself and no longer felt like school was a happy and safe place for me to be anymore, the rumours that were going around literally destroyed me and who I was. I am no longer who I am and that’s what really destroys me every day and night, the fact that someone had the power to destroy my entire being is what eats me up inside whenever I am alone with my thoughts.

PLEASE READ: no one should ever have the power to destroy your entire being or even a small fraction of who you are, you and only you have the ability to define who you are! I am still building myself back up and trying to rediscover who I am. Don’t let anyone make you feel so unsafe and scared that you can no longer go to school or to work or do something that you love. Speak up because no matter if you’re 12 years old or 32, no one has the right to bully you or destroy who you are. You do not have to put up with anyone who makes you unsafe, uncomfortable or uneasy about yourself or where you are. If you’re thinking about suicide and/or harming yourself, I ask that you look deep inside yourself and think of what truly makes you happy – doesn’t matter what it is! When you find what truly makes you happy then start doing it. Redirect that negative energy and turn it into something positive. By directing my negative energy into the short film about suicide, I started getting really busy and focused on creating something, I’ve always been happy mucking around with technology and creating things and it really helped me out. You is kind. You is smart. You is important. (The Help).
-S x

Chapter Two: We all Make Mistakes – We’re Only Human!

After being able to get into a new school on such short notice, my life began to turn around for the better. I made new friends, had good grades although my ability to become friends with guys was shattered. Growing up, I had always been one of those girls that was friends with guys, sure I always had a close girl friend or two, but guys just seemed to be better friends at certain times. My first few months at my new school my mind was constantly getting confused about guys – sounds as though I’m talking about dating-wise but no, I was confused about guys because I didn’t know who to trust, how to trust, how to tell the good guys from the bad guys. I ended up getting into two relationships since I started at the new school. The first boyfriend – he was kind, a Christian, sweet, compassionate, I thought there was nothing wrong until I realised that my ex was also kind, sweet, compassionate and also a Christian. I was terrified of this new guy and didn’t want to be assaulted again, so I broke things off, we’re still friends to this day but it is awkward because my initial first feeling towards him of being scared still lingers. Months went by and I started to drink; it started as my best friend and I going to a party and doing shots. That night I was tipsy and because it was the first time I had ever had alcohol in my system I wasn’t used to the effects it causes to the human body. When I got home to my friend’s house, I ended up splitting my head open on his bedside table and having my best friend clean the blood up with one of those make-up removal wipes – I didn’t need stitches, thank God, but I still have a slightly noticeable dent in my head. One week later after that party, I got into the second relationship – this guy sensitive, compassionate, loving, caring, supportive. Yes, I was scared that he was going to turn out like my first, but I thought I owed myself to try and get over this “fear” of guys and give the new guy a shot. We were happy together for a couple of months but it started going downhill. It all started when he told my best friend that he wasn’t going to talk to me for one week every month – care to take a guess why? Periods. How insensitive is that? From that point on, I started to feel insecure and scared of him. A week later we went to a mate’s 19th, we were both drinking. I had about three “cruiser-like” drinks and him… well he ended up passing out in the toilet and not once did he talk to me that night, he completely ignored me the entire night. My best friend was also there but she had sectioned herself off to spend some “alone time” with her boyfriend. When I heard that people were going to bring drugs to the party, I high-tailed it out of there! I was uncomfortable and scared so I rang my best guy friend. He and two of his friends came and picked me up and took me to his to stay the night. I got along great with his two friends and was even really flirty with one of them. At this point I felt nothing to my boyfriend at that time that for one night I completely forgot that I was even dating him. That night was the night that I lost my virginity to one of my best guy friend’s mates. I felt horrible, I left my friend’s house at 3am and walked the streets until my mum picked me up at 8 o’clock. I didn’t see my boyfriend until three days later and I came clean immediately. At first, I wasn’t going to tell him and I was just going to end things with him because I had done something horrible, but a guy I know told me that he deserves to know the truth, so I told my boyfriend what happened and broke things off. He promised not to tell anyone because I didn’t want it to get out – I’m not a cheater, I don’t use guys. I made a mistake and I take full responsibility for it! Yes, I had been drinking, yes my relationship was going downhill, and yes my mind was completely fucked up due to the on-going trauma caused by my first relationship, even though all those things play a part in my decision, it was still my decision to cheat. I regret hurting my boyfriend but in all honesty, I don’t regret losing my virginity; I mean, yes I regret cheating, but I don’t regret having sex for the first time. It opened up my eyes and made me grow up, I feel more mature after that night and I think that’s really helped me out.

PLEASE READ: drinking alcohol and doing drugs can harm your body! It is your choice, but please think about the consequences! When drinking and/or doing drugs, take extra time to think things through when it comes to making big decisions like losing your virginity – you don’t want to wake up the next morning and regret it! Cheating is wrong but we all make mistakes! I believe that if you come clean about it as soon as possible, you will feel better and not guilty anymore. You may find that cheating was the best thing you could have done for yourself, but your partner deserves to know! Do not let a mistake like cheating affect who you are or your reputation. Cheating is merely an act, not a definition of who you are! I do not approve of cheating but I do understand that sometimes we make mistakes, sometimes our minds are not in the right place and shit happens, but if you deal with it maturely and take responsibility for your mistake/s, in the end you’ll feel better. Everyone makes mistakes and their mistakes do not define who they are so do not judge them based solely on the mistakes they’ve made – learn to focus not only on the bad, but also on the good!
-S x