Do you have your safe place? Where you just feel like nothing can hurt you there? Whether it’s your room/ house, your boyfriends/ girlfriends house or even being with someone. Does someone make you safe?
Well my safe place is my room and my house. No one can hurt me or touch me. I don’t speak to anyone out of school except S and 2 other people other than that. No one else. I have been on school holidays for the past 2 weeks and it went away in a blink of an eye. It felt like heaven. I spoke to no one from school, slept in each morning, didn’t have to worry about another rumour or someone saying something to me, or me getting hurt. I was safe. I was usually in the arms of my boyfriend and spent most of my days with him except when he had to study for his last year of high school. Sometimes good things come to an end. Like yesterday was my 11 month with my boyfriend, I didn’t want to leave but I had too. School holidays. They always end and you always have to go back to hell. I start school on Monday and am scared and nervous as hell as too what could happen. Scared that things might happen again. I have 8 more weeks of hell then I’m done for 2 and a half months until next year one more whole year. Sometimes I think to myself… ” how am I going to survive this week? How am I going to survive exam week? How am I going to survive seeing the people I have been avoiding or haven’t spoken to or they have ignored me? How am I going to survive today?”
But I go through knowing I’ll get home and be happy again.
Do you have a safe place or someone you feel safe with?
The whole weekend all I was doing was sleeping, I was exhausted, tired physically and mentally. I barely spoke to my family for weeks after this and they actually didn’t find out till recently when they over heard my conversation with S (the other author). After what happened I didn’t really care about my feelings and thought mine weren’t worth anything and everyone else’s was worth more. A friend of mine (not the greatest looking guy) started to like me. He asked me out and I said yes not caring. I liked him as a friend nothing else and I didn’t care about anything. The guy who tried twice heard about it and started making up rumours again saying all I’m here for is for sex and want to get payed for it, then started saying no point paying it’s free. I started going out with this guy I liked as a friend as he said no one will love me and made me feel bad so guilt tripped into saying yes into going out with him. We started going out middle of August last year (2013) but on the day of my birthday which is early August I fell in love with a guy I knew before(by face, didn’t know his name though) and finally the day came where someone introduced us to each other, he still remembers exactly what I was wearing and how my hair was tied back when we met. He is from church and was friends with the guy I was dating but kind of wasn’t for 2-3 months. During this relationship with my friend the guy I met on my birthday he and I were chatting and I realised that he was the one for me. He was the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I was totally infatuated with just the thought of him. No one from school knew him which was good. A week before the holidays I broke up with him and no one knew exactly why but they made that up themselves saying he wasn’t good at pleasuring me and just things like that. Just assuming shit when really it was cause the guy I met on my birthday started to make me be able to feel again, and I was able to experience true love. During the 2 week break the youth from church went on a camp. The guy that I fell in love with was there. It was 3 days and in our 3-4 hours of free time it was just him and I talking and laughing and just being ourselves. It was the first true happiness I felt. The first night on camp he asked me to be his girlfriend if I could go back in time I would change what I said as to this day he still tells me about it and we laugh. I said no. A second later he runs down the stairs and didn’t talk to me till morning. That morning the girl I was sharing a room with went to eat breakfast but I “wasn’t hungry” so I told her I’m still sleepy so want to sleep more. The guy who asked me out the night before (let’s call him lover boy) realised I wasn’t at breakfast and left breakfast early and came to my room he asked why I didn’t want to come and I explained to him I just felt bad about the night before but I wanted to get myself mentally and emotionally better and he said it was okay. The rest of the 2 days was a blast with him though the first guy that tried to take my virginity was there but lover boy made me not think about it. When we went back home lover boy and I saw each other at church on a Friday I still remember the date, 11th of October was our first kiss and to me it felt like nothing mattered except him and myself it felt like time stopped. All I had always wanted to do was was save my first kiss for the man I would spend the rest of my life with. Or that i truly loved he was my first really kiss since the others were forced and I was toto ally crushed about that. About 2 weeks later I had a fight with my parents and I told lover boy and he says met me at the shopping centre so I did. He got me some food and we saw not one but 2 movies. Around 9.30 pm when we were waiting to go home he asked me out and all I did was burst into tears. I felt so bad cause I was still having an eating disorder and I was still thinking about death and I never wanted to hurt him but my thoughts feelings, my past on my actions. He understood but was still annoyed but I understood why. That night when he dropped me home he said “when you feel it’s the right time for you, you have to ask me next time” so I thought about it and said okay. My parents knew there was a boy but didn’t know who. They thought I said yes on the camp which I didn’t. The next day another guy (let’s call him the player) asked me out and I didn’t care and said yes. But I said yes cause a few hours previous to this he told me no one will ever love him and he will always be lonely and never have anyone to love. It lasted less than a week. During this week each day I saw lover boy and the player didn’t catch on that we were going out until about a week after we started going out. I felt so bad but I wanted my happiness but he was lonely so I had. The player found out I was seeing lover boy whilst he and I were going out and I told him the situation and we didn’t talk for ages but now we are good friends. We laugh about it and he understands the pressure I felt and the way I felt. On the 4th of November (2013) I had the day of school and so did he do I went to his house. We were laughing and I was opening up to him about everything. I told him I love you more than anything. And about a second later he asked me out. I was gonna ask him out later on and I had it all planned but I was thankful I didn’t have to. And it was the best decision I have ever made. It’s his and my one year in about a month and a few days. And he makes me happy but in the mean time of going out he didn’t know that I wasn’t eating. I never told him about it until people started to realise. I never felt good about cheating I never did but all I was looking for happiness that’s okay right? No cheating is cheating and I felt terrible. I was only thinking about myself but at the same time not at all. I hate the person I was and became and I feel terrible about the guys I hurt so much even my boyfriend when he found out about it he hated it but he forgave me and realised I was trying to find happiness and see if it was really him. I was and am still sorry to this day for cheating. I learnt from my mistake.
MY ADVICE: when you are in a bad state all you think about is the bad things never good all you see at the end of the tunnel is a light and it’s the lights of a train. That’s how I felt. But sometimes maybe you are just seeing what you want when really everyone has the sun at the end of the tunnel and it’s beautiful and you feel happy like you are in a never ending meadow of beautiful flowers and butterflies. We all feel this happiness in our lives. Some longer than others. Sometimes it’s worth going through all that pain for the happiness you have waited for. It’s worth it. For me it was with it. And it will be worth it for you too you just have to breathe and focus on the light and you will see it’s the other side of the tunnel. Just believe in yourself and you will see it.
~ K xx