Chapter Five: Not Once But Twice

I hadn’t spoke to my “boyfriend” in now over a week, and I was preoccupying myself with other guys. People had said to me that my entire attitude towards everything had changed. Not only did I not listen to anyone, I kept changing without even knowing. People weren’t able to recognize me. My best friend at the time had as I said, liked me for about four years and had asked to hang out, I said yea sure why not. People would tell me he was weird, he was a trouble maker and not to trust him. Though, still I didn’t listen to them because he was my best friend. After school we took the same bus I take to go home but got off at an earlier stop. He directed me to a bunch of trees and bushes near a lake. It was a very closed area and no one could see us or even hear me. So we were talking and laughing and just being silly and mucking around… Next thing you know he tells me my button had come undone and I buttoned it up again but he reaches over to my chest and unbuttons it himself and every other button on my dress. He saw my boobs and pushed me forward and reached under my dress and undid my bra. At this point I was shocked, my best friend is now trying to either hurt me sexually and mentally or take my virginity. Well he did one of them. I was scared for my life that someone that I trusted with my life is trying to hurt me. He was squeezing my boobs so hard it hurt for hours after, he had now not even pulled my under wear down but somehow pinned me to the ground and had fingered me so hard it was my first freaking time doing anything like that and it hurt he just kept going so hard and fast and it hurt like crazy all I did was scream “STOP” but next thing he did was cover my mouth with his hand, after a minute he removed his hand and he started forcefully kissing me. He started to tell me to stop being so “friget” and just let it happen. His mum then called him and he reached for his phone to turn it off, whilst he was doing this I grabbed my stuff and tried to get away but he grabbed my foot I kicked him off and ran home as fast as I could. Whilst I was running I saw him run after me so I took a short cut home and I lost him. When I got home no one was there and all I did was jump into the shower and cry. In the process I was so emotional I grabbed a shaver and cut myself deep into my leg and I bleed out heaps. I started to feel really week and I had blacked out in the shower. About 15-25 minutes later I woke up and turned the water off and dried off and checked my phone. He had texted me 12 times maybe even more saying he was sorry and wants to redo today. I texted him back and said okay next week. Worst mistake of my life. During this week I had slowly started to not eat anything slowly by slowly I lost my appetite. My favorite foods became the things I started to hate, soft drinks I hated and would make me throw up. No one noticed how my behaviour towards food had changed and or decreased. The week after the previous event I met up with the same guy… at the same place. I was stupid enough to fall into his trap again. He apologized, said he “didn’t know what came over him” that I just “tease him” and it’s about time he and I “did something” because he has waited for so long.I started to feel like something was up but ignored my heart and head. And it happened all again like ‘Déjà vu’  but more rough this time and he involved his dick. He tried to hold me down and force his dick down my throat and in my vagina. He didn’t succeed at both, but he fingered me again but with more fingers and harder than before. He ripped my clothes off and my phone and earphones out from my pocket and threw it about a metre from us. I reached and grabbed my phone to call my “boyfriend” but this guy had put it in his pocket, and again forced his tongue down my throat. Thank god his grandma called concerning where he was and I reached for my phone earphones, bag, my clothes and put it on whilst i was running from him. He screamed to me to come back so I walked back and he grabbed my arse and lifted my up so he could kiss me I pushed him away and I fell to the ground. I ran this time and didn’t stop. He shouted at me saying ” come back or you’ll regret it”… I didn’t go back though. I kept sprinting home till I got to the shower and again I had cut myself. Higher on my thigh and I passed out again but for about 10 minutes. I got changed and opened Facebook and already I was planning my death in more detail this time. He told all his mates and some of mine that I had sent him nudes and it spread like wild fire. Everyone believed him, and he was so low he found a picture cut out the head and showed all his mates and everyone believed him. Next thing a close friend of his got the same photo edited it to make it look like it was on a different day and said he got sent nudes too from me. I faked being sick for 2 weeks,I had not eaten anything or drunk anything except water. I called my ”boyfriend” to tell him what was happening and he said it serves me right for not giving into him, that it’s all “my fault” I believed him and but told him he was useless and I hate him… that’s how we broke up. That night I grabbed my mums pain killers/ sleeping pills and took a handful of them. I fell asleep straight away but woke up the next day around 8 in the evening, but was still tired so I went back to sleep.

MY ADVICE: If multiple people are telling you something about someone and you have noticed a change in him or her re-evaluate the situation and the person. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is cheating on you don’t do it back to try and “get back at them” all you will be doing is hurting yourself. You aren’t worth the pain and agony that you or others go through. I regret cheating on my ex even though he did the same thing. If you want to kill yourself, imagine what you might miss out on in the world, who will miss you, your parents, friends, relatives, pets, family, boyfriend/girlfriend. If you feel the need to throw your food up, cut yourself, or not eat at all get some help as you are slowly killing yourself and you shouldn’t be trying to hurt your beautiful self.

~K xx

School Holidays Or Any Kind Of Long Break Can Make A Positive Change

I don’t know about you, but for me school holidays have just started. Taking a break away from an unfriendly environment and people, such as school and fellow students, it can really help you take the well needed break you deserve! Having this quality time to yourself can help you find what really makes you happy which can kickstart your journey onto a positive route. Getting away from all of that negative energy can instantly start making you feel better and more positive about yourself and your life. It is a tough battle and I can’t stress that enough! I understand that you may not see what I’m getting at, or it may seem way too hard to handle or that if you think I’m just another person saying that this is what you need to do as if it’s just that easy; I feel a fraction of your pain and suffering as I’ve been through similar things, I understand how difficult it is for you and I want you all to feel safe here.

PLEASE READ: even though you may not see it, the first step into getting better and becoming happier could be as simple as removing yourself from negative energy – yes it will be hard, just because it sounds simple doesn’t mean that it’s easy. Find something that has a positive influence you on and stick with it. It may seem extremely hard and don’t get me wrong, it will be hard, but not as hard as you think. It will be a struggle but does that mean it’s worth giving up everything? I sure as hell think it’s not and I hope that there’s still a fight left in you to think the same. You are beautiful. You are important. You are wanted. You deserve better. You deserve to be happy.
-S x

Chapter One: Some Things Affect Us At Young Ages

As soon as I started meeting new people it all started for me.. That’s right when I was 3 1/2 years old, the bullying, name calling, pushing, kicking everything.
I had only just started walking at the age of 3 and had already started to go to pre-school. I got bullied for the way my hair looked (I had a bob cut), got bullied cause I was still unstable on my feet and just everything in general. I became so lonely that I made friends with a girl who couldn’t even speak fluent English and her first language was Russian, about a few months into the relationship she moved back to Russia.
At the pre-school we had end of year little plays, we did Christmas, so what it was all about and I was to play mother Mary. I got hurt so much that day I was crying during the performance, the parents of the kids were talking about me saying “she only got the part cause her grandma is the teacher”… “She’s not even good looking and one of the ugliest children here” next thing you know I had to do another year of pre-school cause I couldn’t read properly… Got teased about that too.
The next year was pretty much the same thing every day. I would pretty much hug my mum’s leg every day crying to her saying “I don’t want to go, please”… but no I went. When it was over I was happy and thought it would all stop… little did I know it would haunt me.
I started my first year of school and first day had just started and I was already crying. I was getting bullied about the same things all over again except it was big kids calling me names and making me feel worse about myself making all the kids in my year hate me. Things like “you don’t belong here”… ” get of the playground.. No one wants you here” “you are a loser”. I hated it. At the age of 6 and I had already had more bad days than good days. Most of them. I remember I was in the sandpit and got told to get out cause I’m a waste of space and I ran out and around the sandpit was massive rocks and I ran got pushed and hit my top of my thigh really hard on the rock. I started bleeding heaps from my leg and other parts I was crying. I already wanted to die and I was only 6. I told people, I told the teachers but all they did was call up my parents and tell them or ask them “something’s wrong with her” “what’s wrong with her”. I cried after that too. But nothing was wrong with me. I was being bullied and they didn’t see it. I told my parents they were understanding of it but then my sister was born and everything changed. I was pushed to the side to never again speak of it to my parents and act like the strong healthiest person in the family. That’s what I have been doing.
3 years went by and still each day I got hurt and no friends the same things each day. Eventually I moved schools. On the last day I found out and I was so happy being a child thinking it would all go away again I thought that. I couldn’t wait till summer holidays finished to start at a new school and actually belong somewhere. But I didn’t.

MY ADVICE: No one should be able to make you feel like you were a mistake or you are worthless. You are here for a reason and all those people who are hurting you will all one day realise what they did and may even be jealous and want to apologise to you. But you will be so much better with out them. If someone is telling you that you don’t belong here or calling you names go tell someone that could actually do something, tell a parent, or a teacher that you trust or will understand you. If you have a friend tell your friend, a girl/boyfriend someone that can help you. Just know you aren’t what those people are telling you. You are more than that and they just want people to think less of themselves so they feel superior. You are so much better than them just know that.
~ K xx

Chapter Six: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think!

Everything has been going good for me lately. I’m dropping out of school, starting an online course in photography for the rest of the year, I have a job, I have a boyfriend and friends who are genuine and are always there to support me… I thought nothing would go wrong but you see, life has this thing it likes to do – it likes to fuck shit up whenever you’re happy. In the last three days I have received over 20 prank calls from a number of different people, I have been asked several times to explain false rumours going around about me which just make me feel like shit whenever I hear the things that people are making up. I get thrown back to square one and have to start my baby steps all over again. This time I feel that I need to feel good about myself. I need to change my image like get a new haircut, dress differently, wear my make-up differently – you know, small things that I love about myself and hopefully it should make me feel good about myself. How I see it, if I change something about myself now that is in one way or another related to what is making me feel shitty, then I should feel empowered, strong, brave, courageous and happier! Usually changing my haircut or dressing differently fills me with a new outlook and that’s what I need. A new outlook on life. I am turning over a new leaf and making a complete change with my life. That is… until the next small hiccup comes my way, but there are always ways of dealing with hiccups. Drink lots of water, get someone to scare you or any other method. Life constantly throws hiccups at you because you are strong enough to withstand them. The way I see it is that each and every one of you has been put here for a reason and you are put through certain “adventures” or “journeys” for a reason – you would not be put through something that you cannot handle! Think about it, those girls and/or guys you see who have rich parents and are spoilt rotten and get everything and anything they want, they would never be able to to handle the things you’re going through because in all reality your struggles make you stronger even though it seems like all it’s doing is tearing you down. Find the strength to speak up and make a stand in your life – even though you’re strong enough to go through the hell life throws at you, doesn’t mean that you deserve it. Every second you improve and get better, life will be judging the best time to throw hiccups in your track, that’s just how it works,, but don’t let that get you down! As good ol’ Christopher Robin says to Pooh Bear: “Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” (written by A. A. Milne).

PLEASE READ: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. Stay strong! You are a warrior and you deserve happiness. Don’t take shit from anyone and do what makes you happy. Do whatever you need to do to create your own happiness!
-S x

Chapter Five: Ditch the Heartache and Create Your Own Happiness

I haven’t been at school for the past four or five weeks; I no longer feel safe and no longer see the point in completing VCE at all. I am fed up with the petty bullshit drama that revolves around school and I want out… so I ditched the heartache. I am in the process of leaving school for good, but I am not quitting my education completely. I’m enrolling in an online course that will take up the remainder of the year and then next year I’m straight into tafe doing something that I love and being somewhere where I am genuinely happy and feel safe. Not being at school has really given me some time to myself to really think about what was making me so depressed and pushing me to the point where I was literally thinking about ending it all. I kept myself locked away in my room and only ever left the house if I was on my own, and when I did leave the house, it was always to run away to my best guy friend’s house to escape the tragedy that had essentially become my life. I would always fake a smile around friends and after leaving school I slowly began to feel that fake smile becoming real. I was away from what was making me depressed and scared, and although I’m not completely better at the moment, I am on the fast track to recovery because I had the support of my two best friends by at all times. It was extremely hard for me to let them in and know even a small portion of what was going on inside my head, but opening up to them really helped. It took time, but it worked for me. I found myself leaving the house more often to go and see my best guy friend, he is really supportive and understands that sometimes I just need to get away from my life and just sleep or hang out at a place where I feel safe; with all the time we were spending together and the many years of our friendship and being close all the time and sharing practically everything together and his family being completely understanding with me being over there all the time… we started dating. It has been one rocky road for me especially regarding the whole “relationship” part of life and to others and even you, it may sound like that I’m just asking for more trouble in my life. Because of him my life has made a dramatic turn and spending time with him genuinely makes me happy and makes me feel safe. I guess life has a very, very weird and fucked up way of working.

PLEASE READ: for me, in order to get on track and get my life in order and start getting better, I had to eliminate what was making things so shitty for me. If you find yourself being genuinely unhappy, felling unsafe and/or feeling like you need to harm yourself in order to escape the pain, I just ask you to look around yourself and find what triggers you to feel like that. It’s all about taking baby steps and doing what you are comfortable with. Once you and key point what is making you feel like absolute shit and that you need to end it all, GET RID OF IT! Move schools, make better friends, change subjects, go to tafe, quit your job! Anything that is holding you down and suffocating you needs to go. It’s hard, I know, and it’s even harder if you’ve been through more shit than me or been dealing with shit longer than me or are even just really affected by it all, it’s hard and I know that, and I know it might not be as easy for you to create your own happiness as it was for me and I applaud you for hanging in there, being strong and being a warrior! You’re strong, brave and you’re here for a reason – don’t give up yet! I want you here.
-S x

Chapter Four: You is Kind. You is Smart. You is Important.

The school holidays came around and I thought that by the time school started again everything would be fine, everyone would have forgotten about my mistake and just drop it, but sadly that wasn’t exactly the case. The drama that followed was just too much for me and that’s the point where I lost it, that was the point where I just crumbled and broke and lost myself. I didn’t know what to think, what to do, I didn’t even really have a clue who I was anymore. Cheating isn’t something I would ever do! I’ve been cheated on before and I know what it feels like and I would never ever want to put someone through that… but I did and I am forever apologetic for doing that to my ex because he didn’t deserve it. I was so hurt and disappointed in myself that I started to take my anger out on myself. I was so good at hiding my emotions and my actions that not even my best friend knows what I really went through. I started to cut again and I just completely lost myself that I even started of thinking of ways to kill myself. I blamed myself for being sexually assaulted. I blamed myself for cheating. I blamed myself for every single thing that went remotely wrong in my life. I kept myself busy and redirected my negative energy about my life onto my media assignment which is how I came up with the idea to create a short film about a young girl battling with suicide, that is one thing that really helped me get past my “suicidal stage” but it didn’t help me get past all the shit going on at school. My ex’s friend was continually saying shit about me which then lead to other people creating their own rumours about me; I was so sick of it and felt so unsafe going to school every day. What really pushed me over the edge was my ex’s friend saying that he was going to make my life hell until I left the school. I felt like I couldn’t go out because no matter what I did it would somehow be fuel to the fire. I couldn’t go out with friends without rumours going around saying that I was a lesbian and God knows what else they were saying. People were continuously telling me that I was “fake” and “untrustworthy” and other nonsense like that and I can understand how they were coming from because of ONE mistake that I made COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER but they didn’t know the FULL, TRUE STORY! No one bothered to come and ask me what actually happened, instead they just thought what they wanted to and listened to all the bullshit rumours going around about me. I was really hurt because people that I thought I could call friends were not only believing the rumours going around about me, but were also adding their 2 cents to the rumours which just made things worse. I would leave school early and sometimes I wouldn’t even show up to school for days; I just felt so unsafe and attacked. School was always a place that I loved going to, I always felt safe and I honestly really enjoyed doing all the schoolwork, but I was no longer enjoying myself and no longer felt like school was a happy and safe place for me to be anymore, the rumours that were going around literally destroyed me and who I was. I am no longer who I am and that’s what really destroys me every day and night, the fact that someone had the power to destroy my entire being is what eats me up inside whenever I am alone with my thoughts.

PLEASE READ: no one should ever have the power to destroy your entire being or even a small fraction of who you are, you and only you have the ability to define who you are! I am still building myself back up and trying to rediscover who I am. Don’t let anyone make you feel so unsafe and scared that you can no longer go to school or to work or do something that you love. Speak up because no matter if you’re 12 years old or 32, no one has the right to bully you or destroy who you are. You do not have to put up with anyone who makes you unsafe, uncomfortable or uneasy about yourself or where you are. If you’re thinking about suicide and/or harming yourself, I ask that you look deep inside yourself and think of what truly makes you happy – doesn’t matter what it is! When you find what truly makes you happy then start doing it. Redirect that negative energy and turn it into something positive. By directing my negative energy into the short film about suicide, I started getting really busy and focused on creating something, I’ve always been happy mucking around with technology and creating things and it really helped me out. You is kind. You is smart. You is important. (The Help).
-S x