Do you have your safe place? Where you just feel like nothing can hurt you there? Whether it’s your room/ house, your boyfriends/ girlfriends house or even being with someone. Does someone make you safe?
Well my safe place is my room and my house. No one can hurt me or touch me. I don’t speak to anyone out of school except S and 2 other people other than that. No one else. I have been on school holidays for the past 2 weeks and it went away in a blink of an eye. It felt like heaven. I spoke to no one from school, slept in each morning, didn’t have to worry about another rumour or someone saying something to me, or me getting hurt. I was safe. I was usually in the arms of my boyfriend and spent most of my days with him except when he had to study for his last year of high school. Sometimes good things come to an end. Like yesterday was my 11 month with my boyfriend, I didn’t want to leave but I had too. School holidays. They always end and you always have to go back to hell. I start school on Monday and am scared and nervous as hell as too what could happen. Scared that things might happen again. I have 8 more weeks of hell then I’m done for 2 and a half months until next year one more whole year. Sometimes I think to myself… ” how am I going to survive this week? How am I going to survive exam week? How am I going to survive seeing the people I have been avoiding or haven’t spoken to or they have ignored me? How am I going to survive today?”
But I go through knowing I’ll get home and be happy again.
Do you have a safe place or someone you feel safe with?
The whole weekend all I was doing was sleeping, I was exhausted, tired physically and mentally. I barely spoke to my family for weeks after this and they actually didn’t find out till recently when they over heard my conversation with S (the other author). After what happened I didn’t really care about my feelings and thought mine weren’t worth anything and everyone else’s was worth more. A friend of mine (not the greatest looking guy) started to like me. He asked me out and I said yes not caring. I liked him as a friend nothing else and I didn’t care about anything. The guy who tried twice heard about it and started making up rumours again saying all I’m here for is for sex and want to get payed for it, then started saying no point paying it’s free. I started going out with this guy I liked as a friend as he said no one will love me and made me feel bad so guilt tripped into saying yes into going out with him. We started going out middle of August last year (2013) but on the day of my birthday which is early August I fell in love with a guy I knew before(by face, didn’t know his name though) and finally the day came where someone introduced us to each other, he still remembers exactly what I was wearing and how my hair was tied back when we met. He is from church and was friends with the guy I was dating but kind of wasn’t for 2-3 months. During this relationship with my friend the guy I met on my birthday he and I were chatting and I realised that he was the one for me. He was the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I was totally infatuated with just the thought of him. No one from school knew him which was good. A week before the holidays I broke up with him and no one knew exactly why but they made that up themselves saying he wasn’t good at pleasuring me and just things like that. Just assuming shit when really it was cause the guy I met on my birthday started to make me be able to feel again, and I was able to experience true love. During the 2 week break the youth from church went on a camp. The guy that I fell in love with was there. It was 3 days and in our 3-4 hours of free time it was just him and I talking and laughing and just being ourselves. It was the first true happiness I felt. The first night on camp he asked me to be his girlfriend if I could go back in time I would change what I said as to this day he still tells me about it and we laugh. I said no. A second later he runs down the stairs and didn’t talk to me till morning. That morning the girl I was sharing a room with went to eat breakfast but I “wasn’t hungry” so I told her I’m still sleepy so want to sleep more. The guy who asked me out the night before (let’s call him lover boy) realised I wasn’t at breakfast and left breakfast early and came to my room he asked why I didn’t want to come and I explained to him I just felt bad about the night before but I wanted to get myself mentally and emotionally better and he said it was okay. The rest of the 2 days was a blast with him though the first guy that tried to take my virginity was there but lover boy made me not think about it. When we went back home lover boy and I saw each other at church on a Friday I still remember the date, 11th of October was our first kiss and to me it felt like nothing mattered except him and myself it felt like time stopped. All I had always wanted to do was was save my first kiss for the man I would spend the rest of my life with. Or that i truly loved he was my first really kiss since the others were forced and I was toto ally crushed about that. About 2 weeks later I had a fight with my parents and I told lover boy and he says met me at the shopping centre so I did. He got me some food and we saw not one but 2 movies. Around 9.30 pm when we were waiting to go home he asked me out and all I did was burst into tears. I felt so bad cause I was still having an eating disorder and I was still thinking about death and I never wanted to hurt him but my thoughts feelings, my past on my actions. He understood but was still annoyed but I understood why. That night when he dropped me home he said “when you feel it’s the right time for you, you have to ask me next time” so I thought about it and said okay. My parents knew there was a boy but didn’t know who. They thought I said yes on the camp which I didn’t. The next day another guy (let’s call him the player) asked me out and I didn’t care and said yes. But I said yes cause a few hours previous to this he told me no one will ever love him and he will always be lonely and never have anyone to love. It lasted less than a week. During this week each day I saw lover boy and the player didn’t catch on that we were going out until about a week after we started going out. I felt so bad but I wanted my happiness but he was lonely so I had. The player found out I was seeing lover boy whilst he and I were going out and I told him the situation and we didn’t talk for ages but now we are good friends. We laugh about it and he understands the pressure I felt and the way I felt. On the 4th of November (2013) I had the day of school and so did he do I went to his house. We were laughing and I was opening up to him about everything. I told him I love you more than anything. And about a second later he asked me out. I was gonna ask him out later on and I had it all planned but I was thankful I didn’t have to. And it was the best decision I have ever made. It’s his and my one year in about a month and a few days. And he makes me happy but in the mean time of going out he didn’t know that I wasn’t eating. I never told him about it until people started to realise. I never felt good about cheating I never did but all I was looking for happiness that’s okay right? No cheating is cheating and I felt terrible. I was only thinking about myself but at the same time not at all. I hate the person I was and became and I feel terrible about the guys I hurt so much even my boyfriend when he found out about it he hated it but he forgave me and realised I was trying to find happiness and see if it was really him. I was and am still sorry to this day for cheating. I learnt from my mistake.
MY ADVICE: when you are in a bad state all you think about is the bad things never good all you see at the end of the tunnel is a light and it’s the lights of a train. That’s how I felt. But sometimes maybe you are just seeing what you want when really everyone has the sun at the end of the tunnel and it’s beautiful and you feel happy like you are in a never ending meadow of beautiful flowers and butterflies. We all feel this happiness in our lives. Some longer than others. Sometimes it’s worth going through all that pain for the happiness you have waited for. It’s worth it. For me it was with it. And it will be worth it for you too you just have to breathe and focus on the light and you will see it’s the other side of the tunnel. Just believe in yourself and you will see it.
~ K xx
I hadn’t spoke to my “boyfriend” in now over a week, and I was preoccupying myself with other guys. People had said to me that my entire attitude towards everything had changed. Not only did I not listen to anyone, I kept changing without even knowing. People weren’t able to recognize me. My best friend at the time had as I said, liked me for about four years and had asked to hang out, I said yea sure why not. People would tell me he was weird, he was a trouble maker and not to trust him. Though, still I didn’t listen to them because he was my best friend. After school we took the same bus I take to go home but got off at an earlier stop. He directed me to a bunch of trees and bushes near a lake. It was a very closed area and no one could see us or even hear me. So we were talking and laughing and just being silly and mucking around… Next thing you know he tells me my button had come undone and I buttoned it up again but he reaches over to my chest and unbuttons it himself and every other button on my dress. He saw my boobs and pushed me forward and reached under my dress and undid my bra. At this point I was shocked, my best friend is now trying to either hurt me sexually and mentally or take my virginity. Well he did one of them. I was scared for my life that someone that I trusted with my life is trying to hurt me. He was squeezing my boobs so hard it hurt for hours after, he had now not even pulled my under wear down but somehow pinned me to the ground and had fingered me so hard it was my first freaking time doing anything like that and it hurt he just kept going so hard and fast and it hurt like crazy all I did was scream “STOP” but next thing he did was cover my mouth with his hand, after a minute he removed his hand and he started forcefully kissing me. He started to tell me to stop being so “friget” and just let it happen. His mum then called him and he reached for his phone to turn it off, whilst he was doing this I grabbed my stuff and tried to get away but he grabbed my foot I kicked him off and ran home as fast as I could. Whilst I was running I saw him run after me so I took a short cut home and I lost him. When I got home no one was there and all I did was jump into the shower and cry. In the process I was so emotional I grabbed a shaver and cut myself deep into my leg and I bleed out heaps. I started to feel really week and I had blacked out in the shower. About 15-25 minutes later I woke up and turned the water off and dried off and checked my phone. He had texted me 12 times maybe even more saying he was sorry and wants to redo today. I texted him back and said okay next week. Worst mistake of my life. During this week I had slowly started to not eat anything slowly by slowly I lost my appetite. My favorite foods became the things I started to hate, soft drinks I hated and would make me throw up. No one noticed how my behaviour towards food had changed and or decreased. The week after the previous event I met up with the same guy… at the same place. I was stupid enough to fall into his trap again. He apologized, said he “didn’t know what came over him” that I just “tease him” and it’s about time he and I “did something” because he has waited for so long.I started to feel like something was up but ignored my heart and head. And it happened all again like ‘Déjà vu’ but more rough this time and he involved his dick. He tried to hold me down and force his dick down my throat and in my vagina. He didn’t succeed at both, but he fingered me again but with more fingers and harder than before. He ripped my clothes off and my phone and earphones out from my pocket and threw it about a metre from us. I reached and grabbed my phone to call my “boyfriend” but this guy had put it in his pocket, and again forced his tongue down my throat. Thank god his grandma called concerning where he was and I reached for my phone earphones, bag, my clothes and put it on whilst i was running from him. He screamed to me to come back so I walked back and he grabbed my arse and lifted my up so he could kiss me I pushed him away and I fell to the ground. I ran this time and didn’t stop. He shouted at me saying ” come back or you’ll regret it”… I didn’t go back though. I kept sprinting home till I got to the shower and again I had cut myself. Higher on my thigh and I passed out again but for about 10 minutes. I got changed and opened Facebook and already I was planning my death in more detail this time. He told all his mates and some of mine that I had sent him nudes and it spread like wild fire. Everyone believed him, and he was so low he found a picture cut out the head and showed all his mates and everyone believed him. Next thing a close friend of his got the same photo edited it to make it look like it was on a different day and said he got sent nudes too from me. I faked being sick for 2 weeks,I had not eaten anything or drunk anything except water. I called my ”boyfriend” to tell him what was happening and he said it serves me right for not giving into him, that it’s all “my fault” I believed him and but told him he was useless and I hate him… that’s how we broke up. That night I grabbed my mums pain killers/ sleeping pills and took a handful of them. I fell asleep straight away but woke up the next day around 8 in the evening, but was still tired so I went back to sleep.
MY ADVICE: If multiple people are telling you something about someone and you have noticed a change in him or her re-evaluate the situation and the person. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is cheating on you don’t do it back to try and “get back at them” all you will be doing is hurting yourself. You aren’t worth the pain and agony that you or others go through. I regret cheating on my ex even though he did the same thing. If you want to kill yourself, imagine what you might miss out on in the world, who will miss you, your parents, friends, relatives, pets, family, boyfriend/girlfriend. If you feel the need to throw your food up, cut yourself, or not eat at all get some help as you are slowly killing yourself and you shouldn’t be trying to hurt your beautiful self.
I don’t know about you, but for me school holidays have just started. Taking a break away from an unfriendly environment and people, such as school and fellow students, it can really help you take the well needed break you deserve! Having this quality time to yourself can help you find what really makes you happy which can kickstart your journey onto a positive route. Getting away from all of that negative energy can instantly start making you feel better and more positive about yourself and your life. It is a tough battle and I can’t stress that enough! I understand that you may not see what I’m getting at, or it may seem way too hard to handle or that if you think I’m just another person saying that this is what you need to do as if it’s just that easy; I feel a fraction of your pain and suffering as I’ve been through similar things, I understand how difficult it is for you and I want you all to feel safe here.
PLEASE READ: even though you may not see it, the first step into getting better and becoming happier could be as simple as removing yourself from negative energy – yes it will be hard, just because it sounds simple doesn’t mean that it’s easy. Find something that has a positive influence you on and stick with it. It may seem extremely hard and don’t get me wrong, it will be hard, but not as hard as you think. It will be a struggle but does that mean it’s worth giving up everything? I sure as hell think it’s not and I hope that there’s still a fight left in you to think the same. You are beautiful. You are important. You are wanted. You deserve better. You deserve to be happy.
Everyone needs a fresh start. New school, new clothes, new hair cut, just a fresh new start.. I needed that desperately. Thinking the next school would hold great happy memories that would last forever, instead bad memories that would last forever and have pulled me down to this day.
It was the start of the school year, a new school everything. I was in grade 4, I walked in late to class and everyone was already staring at me. My dad left cause he had to go to work so I was left by myself.. Already it started with ” she’s ugly” “ew” ” look at her hands they look funny” now my knuckles have been pushed back down my hand since birth. The cartilage in my ring fingers are shorter than usually causing that part of my hand to look funny. After that went around the first day already people said they would catch the same “sickness” as me and they would end up like me, already I was at the back of the school during break on the oval watching the trains go past and imagining what it would be like to die and who would actually care if I died. I went from friend group to friend group but not one group or set of people actually liked me they would laugh at me make jokes about me and tell me they didn’t like me to my face.
In year 6 I was the house captain of one of the schools houses I got told by the other house captains I shouldn’t be one or I wasn’t ‘good enough’ for it. But I had to keep doing it for the whole year.
I got my first boyfriend at the end of year 6, we were friends before we went out. Next thing the day after he asked me out he thought he asked out another girl, but we still went out anyway… Eventually throughout the relationship obviously you would open up to the other person you like, next thing I realised he would tell all his other mates what I told him then they would make fun of everything even if it wasn’t anything funny they would still find joy in bringing me down.
When year 6 finished I thought again a new start and my boyfriend would actually grow up a little but no he didn’t.
MY ADVICE: don’t let anyone make you full lower than them, they want to feel superior. For some people a change could be a good thing, others maybe not. But make the best out of every change you make, if someone brings you down know it’s not true that they just want to feel better about themselves. Thinking about suicide at a young age may not be a good thing, for a child it may seem like a normal thing… But it isn’t. If you ever feel like this just think about the positive or call a help line or call someone who you think could help you. No one deserves to go through so much emotional pain. Everyone is beautiful.
As soon as I started meeting new people it all started for me.. That’s right when I was 3 1/2 years old, the bullying, name calling, pushing, kicking everything.
I had only just started walking at the age of 3 and had already started to go to pre-school. I got bullied for the way my hair looked (I had a bob cut), got bullied cause I was still unstable on my feet and just everything in general. I became so lonely that I made friends with a girl who couldn’t even speak fluent English and her first language was Russian, about a few months into the relationship she moved back to Russia.
At the pre-school we had end of year little plays, we did Christmas, so what it was all about and I was to play mother Mary. I got hurt so much that day I was crying during the performance, the parents of the kids were talking about me saying “she only got the part cause her grandma is the teacher”… “She’s not even good looking and one of the ugliest children here” next thing you know I had to do another year of pre-school cause I couldn’t read properly… Got teased about that too.
The next year was pretty much the same thing every day. I would pretty much hug my mum’s leg every day crying to her saying “I don’t want to go, please”… but no I went. When it was over I was happy and thought it would all stop… little did I know it would haunt me.
I started my first year of school and first day had just started and I was already crying. I was getting bullied about the same things all over again except it was big kids calling me names and making me feel worse about myself making all the kids in my year hate me. Things like “you don’t belong here”… ” get of the playground.. No one wants you here” “you are a loser”. I hated it. At the age of 6 and I had already had more bad days than good days. Most of them. I remember I was in the sandpit and got told to get out cause I’m a waste of space and I ran out and around the sandpit was massive rocks and I ran got pushed and hit my top of my thigh really hard on the rock. I started bleeding heaps from my leg and other parts I was crying. I already wanted to die and I was only 6. I told people, I told the teachers but all they did was call up my parents and tell them or ask them “something’s wrong with her” “what’s wrong with her”. I cried after that too. But nothing was wrong with me. I was being bullied and they didn’t see it. I told my parents they were understanding of it but then my sister was born and everything changed. I was pushed to the side to never again speak of it to my parents and act like the strong healthiest person in the family. That’s what I have been doing.
3 years went by and still each day I got hurt and no friends the same things each day. Eventually I moved schools. On the last day I found out and I was so happy being a child thinking it would all go away again I thought that. I couldn’t wait till summer holidays finished to start at a new school and actually belong somewhere. But I didn’t.
MY ADVICE: No one should be able to make you feel like you were a mistake or you are worthless. You are here for a reason and all those people who are hurting you will all one day realise what they did and may even be jealous and want to apologise to you. But you will be so much better with out them. If someone is telling you that you don’t belong here or calling you names go tell someone that could actually do something, tell a parent, or a teacher that you trust or will understand you. If you have a friend tell your friend, a girl/boyfriend someone that can help you. Just know you aren’t what those people are telling you. You are more than that and they just want people to think less of themselves so they feel superior. You are so much better than them just know that.
~ K xx
In the hopes of reaching out to people and sharing our stories to try and give you advice and/or guidance, we’re going to stat sharing more true, personal stories about personal adventures and struggles that people we know have been through. Each of these people are writing their own stories and are giving us permission to post them here – they understand what it’s like to struggle with anxiety, depression, eating disorders, family issues, suicide, etc. and just like me, they want to reach out and help anyone going through the same or similar ordeals. Tomorrow we are introducing K’s ongoing adventure through life. No matter how big or how small your struggles are, they tear you down and affect you and we want to stop that. You’re smart, beautiful people that deserve the best! You’re strong warriors and it’s time for your battle to end – it’s time to take baby steps and put down the razor. It’s time to rip that suicide letter up and burn it. It’s time to create your own happiness and live your life in complete happiness and peace because you deserve it.
Stay strong warriors!